Thursday, June 30, 2005

Is it Friday yet...?

A bitch is overwhelmed by the comments to yesterday’s post! It was almost worth the emotional trauma of watching Scooter…almost.

A bitch was truly dismayed to read about the recent medical setback for CoJo. I’m calling upon the Devine One to bless him with another organ…soon!

I woke up this morning praying that Katie Couric’s stylist had intervened successfully regarding that bizarre hair “don’t” that took place the other day. Jesus, did y’all see that shit? Made my stomach churn! Her translucent bob was pulled back severely in the middle and bound with a clip. Honey, who did that to you? Thankfully, her hair was back to just looking shitty.

A bitch quickly made a cup of java with tons of Splenda and organic 1% milk (let’s hope it hasn’t been poisoned) took 2 pseudo-Sudafed, 1 Claritin and 2 Excedrin. Perfection!

I settled onto the couch, gave the sorta-beagle a rub and turned on the television.

Lead story – Is He or Isn’t He?

It seems that the President Elect of Iran may have been one of the student agitators who led the Iran hostage taking back in the day! Oh my!

The producers of the Today Show were kind enough to show a side-by-side comparison (note - I chose CNN's version 'cause it was better) of pictures of a student hostage taker and the current President Elect of Iran.

A bitch must admit that they look to be the same person. But since we do not exactly "chat" with the Iranians, my ass is a wee bit skeptical about the possibility of Iran overturning their “election” simply because their new President was involved in hostage taking.

My ass predicts that Iran will wait it out, start having little chats with us again, sign some pact to not build the bombs they fully intend to build, gain most favored nation status and be welcomed back into the world community like a long lost brother. Sigh. Just look at Libya.

Taliban…what Taliban?

It seems that the Taliban that was destroyed when we invaded Afghanistan is claiming that they shot down an American helicopter. A bitch is confused. How are these fuckers sending out press releases if they don’t exist?

Oh, who gives a damn…?

Then General whoever proclaimed that Osama is in one of 11,000 villages in Pakistan. That’s progress, right? Jesus!

Got Milk?

The nation’s milk supply is one Google search away from being contaminated. Great! A bitch finally found a milk brand that I like (Horizon Organic 1% - Super Yummy) and now they tell me that milk, in general, is open to terrorist attack. Our government is pissed that some dude published this, along with recommendations, because they didn’t want the terrorists to know about the Google search thing. The best part is that the milk industry currently has a choice about whether to comply with security recommendations or not.

Drink at your own risk, chil'ren!

And people wonder why my ass is angry…

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

We are so fucked...

A bitch was saddened to read the comments on yesterday’s post. Specifically the comment made by Monkey, who has experienced the true wages of war. A bitch wanted to share this with you and to say to Monkey…a bitch thanks you for sharing...for what it's worth, your comment and post touched me deeply.

Moving on...

My bitchy ass sat down with a very strong vodka cran and a full pack of cigs to listen to Scooter last night. When preparing for a Presidential address, one must first determine which media misinformation vehicle to view. A bitch chose CNN as my primary vehicle with a TiVo backup of NBC. Wolfie (we are so close you just wouldn’t believe my ass if I shared the details) was looking flushed and windblown. This bitch adores Wolf Blitzer! Too cute! NBC had desperately inserted Tim Russert’s overworked ass into their coverage, because the new baby anchor replacement for Brokaw has been know to fuck up live news. That poor producer must have been shitting bricks! DRAMA.

Hit pause…

Quickly pop 2 new wanna-be Sudafed pills (they’ve introduced a new version that is Meth resistant or something…trust me, its not as much fun) and 2 Motrin (because Scooter makes my neck tense up and being proactive is totally required). Freshen vodka cran and light cigs. Take a deep breath, ‘cause it’s hard to breath when wallowing in a huge vat of bullshit…

Hit play…

ABB’s Recap of Scooter in a time of crisis…

Scooter’s attempt to rally the masses can best be explored through an examination of his comments. He doesn’t really do “speeches”. It was more of a continuous stream of randomly connected phrases containing the words 9/11…

My greatest responsibility as President is to protect the American people…
Actually, Scooter, your principle responsibility is to preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States. You also swore to faithfully execute the office of the Presidency. But fuck it! Who takes that oath shit seriously?

We will take the fight to our enemy!
But honey, we didn’t invade Saudi Arabia! Didn’t all the highjackers come from there? A bitch is confused!! And what about Iran building the bomb and North Korea building more bombs? A bitch thinks that we might have gone a wee bit off course…accidentally on purpose. This bitch longs for the good old days, when our government would have had the decency to plant WMD in Iraq after throwing our collective ass into a multi-year war. Where’s my Soylent Green!

We will defeat them abroad before they attack us at home!
Once again…a bitch is confused. Iraq is not connected to 9/11, so did my ass miss another attack somewhere? For the record, invading Iraq so that you can attack Saudis who have entered Iraq to fight as insurgents seems a wee bit complicated. Was this the plan? Did this comment make sense when it left your mouth, Scooter? A bitch is concerned!

We are removing a source of violence and instability!
Motherfucker, have you looked at the news? Jesus! Are we talking about the same war? Somebody PLEASE slap me and wake me up from the bloody nightmare!

Hey kids! Have you ever considered a career in the military?
Seriously. Scooter made a fucking enlistment pitch mid-speech. ABB is now taking bets on the timing of the draft…not the possibility…the timing.

As Osama said, Iraq is where the war is and Iraq is where we will fight (or something like that…only in Arabic).
Yes, chil’ren, Scooter actually quoted Bin laden to make his point. A bitch has no words…no words at all…

Scooter made a total of (6) September 11 references to justify our war with Iraq, which is a country that had nothing to do with the attacks…did you hear that you neo-con war hungry freaks…they had NOTHING TO FUCKING DO WITH THE ATTACKS!

And finally, in response to the nation’s concerns over when this war with a constantly changing purpose will end…

We will stand down when the Iraqi people stand up!
Great. That’s just fucking great.

It’s official.

We are so fucked.

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

The build up to nothing...

A bitch has been giving some thought to politics. With the President about to give another boring speech full of lies and misinformation, the war in Iraq morphing into the reincarnation of Viet Nam and our lovely elected officials making power moves for 2008, a bitch is finding politics hard to avoid!

Faithful readers will know to anticipate a full break down of Scooter’s speech tomorrow.

A bitch was up early to do my homework in preparation of Scooter in prime time tonight.

Let the build up to nothing begin…

Condi was on the Today Show today. Her hair was fully helmeted and presented as a freakish wall of black. Her lips were glossed in a 1987 dark plum that, sadly, did not stay put on the inner portion and therefore drove the eye sharply to her lips and to what those lips were saying.

A bitch hit pause, popped 2 Sudafed, 1 Claritin and took 3 quick sips of coffee...

On the television, frozen by my beloved TiVo, were two of the most uptight and repressed women in America.

Katie Couric, sporting devilishly high heals and a ruthlessly sculpted bob, has again frosted her hair to the point where it is the visual representation of the absence of color. As I observed her pinched lips, my ass actually shuddered. This woman is pissed. First, CoJo fucked her over. Now, that little shit Matt Lauer gets the celebrity meltdown interview of the year. All this Tom Cruise talk has moved the Runaway Bitch off the front page, thus rendering Katie’s prime time special meaningless. Is there no justice?

Condi sat on the lower ball of her knot butt, her ass checks held so firmly together that they have virtually fused. Her legs are fiercely crossed and, despite the relentless heat, were encased in "my Momma used to wear that shade" hose. Condi’s body language shouted that a bitch was prepared for active combat. In her well conditioned mind one word circled over and over again...deny, deny, deny!

3 more swigs of java, then hit play...

The highlight of this otherwise bland interview was Condi’s attempt to re-write history by saying something like “It’s been one year since the transfer of sovereignty and that’s really not a long time.” So, basically, we should be more patient and try not to "rush freedom". Which would make more sense if we had invaded Iraq to spread freedom, rather than to find massive quantities of anthrax that was never there. And that wouldn’t smart so much if the United Nations inspectors hadn’t told us that the fucking anthrax wasn’t there, but we invaded anyway. And the sting of that wouldn’t be so sharp if we hadn’t told our former allies to go fuck off and shouted that they were stupid for listening to the United Nations inspectors…who turned out to be right. Oh, and this bitch wishes I could forget Dickie (not close, but he’s not a people person) proclaiming on Meet the Press that our asses would be "greeted like liberators"!

A bitch has had enough of neo-con fucks acting like my ass was in a fucking coma for 5 years and has no recollection of what was said or promised.

You want patience, bitch? Too fucking bad! Disappointed? Get used to it! I’ve been disappointed for 5 fucking years!

New September 11 Tragedy Reference Record…
Condi set the new record with a 3.75 second reactionary mention on the Today Show this morning. Way to go, exploiting a tragedy in less than 4 seconds! Yeah!

Frightening reference to the future…
Hey Stanford grads! Condi mentioned her plans to return! You must be so excited…!

This press conference is going to be a joy! Joy, I tell you!

Monday, June 27, 2005

The art of making others cry...

A bitch is trying to recover from a weekend spent baking in the St. Louis humidity. Why did people ever settle this region on the country? Jesus! Anyhoo, a bitch technically has the day off but fled the home to allow for the uninterrupted completion of the project that shall not be named.

Sigh.

Anyhoo, a bitch is taking the opportunity to catch up on a pile of volunteer paper work. Yeah! Jesus to God, a bitch just adores drafting memos to clarify what is already clear to a bunch of self-induced retardation having sub-bitches who my ass plans to kick sharply to the curb come October! Glorious! Oh, and relaxing too! Yeah…good times!

Chil’ren, let a bitch tell you…life is suffering.

Moving on quickly before reality sinks in...

Watching the Sunday chats over the weekend, a bitch was fascinated by the finely tuned mental manipulation techniques of the neo-cons. These motherfuckers are good! Trust me. A bitch has been manipulated by one person or another for most of my life. My ass has seen it all! From crying and exaggerating an emotional response to some nugget of truth a bitch dropped too accurately to shouting and overacting in angry response to something that really wasn’t worthy of that level of anger, my ass could run a clinic on how to ramp it up and get what you want while trampling on the emotional core of others. People, under pressure, will do almost anything to just...make...it...STOP!

Whew!

As I was saying, those neo-cons are very good at the fine art of making others cry then apologize for crying.

Background
Any blog hopper knows that “neo-con”, “conservative” and “Republican” all are used interchangeably. The term “neo-con” is best defined by Rove or Ann Coulter (what a little kitten she is!). “Conservative” is more William F. Buckley or Bob Novak…yeah, woman hating fascists who don’t give a fucking shit about you and your lack of health care as long as they can seize power without governmental regulation and jerk each other off in the sauna without being called gay. And “Republicans” are mostly the confused conservative masses who follow the lead of the best shit talker of the moment, be that a neo-con or a conservative.

The same flip flop of terms applies to “Democrats”, “liberals” and “progressives”.

Knowing that the interchangability of these terms could work in his favor, Rove dropped one of his pretty little verbal pimp slaps at some “We hate therefore we are” dinner last week. My little spanking buddy apparently said some evil little shit about “liberals” wanting to burp terrorists rather than bomb them into submission. The crowd roared and his dick got hard, so this was a win/win kind of statement.

The minions came out for both sides.

“Stop calling me names!” wined the liberal talking heads.

“I wasn’t talking about you, but don’t tell me what to say!” shouted to conservative defenders of the cause.

And so forth and so on.

Now, Rove was talking about Democrats. The bullshit party line that he was referring to Move-On is…well…bullshit. A bitch would respect him more if he claimed that shit like a grown-up, but Karl is a passive little shit. That’s why he makes such and ideal submissive…oh, in my dreams of course…in my naughty little dreams…

But a bitch must admit that this kind of “can I still make you jump” manipulation is brilliant! See, Karl was testing to see if Democrats still dive at that shit. And they dove! They took to the airwaves wining and keening for him to resign (yeah, and give up the shadow Presidency? Not!) or apologize (for making you dumb asses take to the airwaves and make like a nerd tattling to teacher? Not!). Liberals are strung out and skittish. Karl just wanted to confirm that for future use.

Having survived some of the most systematic and ritualized mental manipulation (my mother 1973-2002), a bitch would like to offer the following responses for use the next time Karl or his minions decide to flex.

ABB’s Manipulation Responses to neo-con Manipulation

Reverse Condemnation - When a neo-con calls you un-American for not supporting the war in Iraq. (Note – be careful on this one. You must not actually embrace the war…the trick is to flip the emotional coin.)

“First of all allow me to say…fuck you! When you enlist and take up arms come back and talk to my ass about “supporting our troops”! Do you have children? Have they enlisted? Have you done an Army recruitment drive at your church? Well I find that lack of personal sacrifice disturbing! I suggest that you indulge in some self-reflection on just how “American” you are! So, fuck you and your do-nothing and shed-no-blood yellow ribbon collecting ass!"

The Complete Lie – When neo-cons say things like “liberals don’t believe in war”. (Warning – this is a level 3 manipulation that should be practiced by experienced bitches willing to lie at the drop of a dime).

Say this softly and without passion…

“I love a just war. I’d take up arms tomorrow if we invaded the “real” enemy. I don’t appreciate the assumption that my lack of enthusiasm for this war equates to a lack of enthusiasm for all war. Personally, I find invading the wrong country because you have a personal financial interest in the real enemy country to be the very definition of un-American. But what do I know? I’m just a tax paying, Social Security contributing, family’s been here since before the Civil War fucking American. Now, leave me. Your divisive presence disturbs the air…”

Or you could just tell them to fuck off.

Just stop reacting, because that makes the manipulation pay off. These fuckers are bad enough without a hoard of liberals enabling their habit.

So speaketh the bitch…

Friday, June 24, 2005

Post de Pride

A bitch was going to blog about PrideFest and the recent drama over Pride St. Louis awarding a scholarship to a certain Bush supporting Log Cabin Republican. I was going to discuss the confusion I feel towards the LCR and how much I resent them for acting like the only issue on the table for LGBTs is marriage. A bitch also considered ranting about how LGBTs in Missouri face firing, the loss of child custody and eviction just for being gay and how the LCR don't seem to have a position on that, which makes them come across like to money hungry sell-out self-hating shits that they are.

But, as you can see, my passions simply aren't stirred. I’ve heard that’s a problem with those Log Cabins folks…

This bitch decided to defer to a new blog friend to express my Post de Pride...

Boadwee Blog...take it away!

A bitch wishes everyone a safe, freaky and defiantly different Pride!

A bitch is back...

Hello my darlings! I’m back from my brief mental vacation and a bitch is diving straight in…

Last night, while I was beating Karl Rove…just the way he likes it (handcuffed, arms and legs stretched out wide, and paddled over and over and over), a bitch’s mind moved on to the gleeful anticipation of Tom Cruise blowing himself up on the Today Show Friday morning. I haven’t anticipated a television segment this much since Oprah facilitated Cojo’s Revenge! As I paddled, a bitch simply couldn’t stop wondering how ugly Tom would be. Would Tom molest that child on television? Would Katie Holmes make a break for it? My beating took on an evil vengeance, as I got more and more excited about Friday….

What?

Oh, the beating of Karl Rove thing?

Haven’t you ever had the same dream over and over? A bitch beats Rove in full Technicolor almost every night.

ABB – wet black leather

Karl – pasty and buck-naked.

Sigh.

I like to think that he enjoys it as much as I do.

Moving forward…

A bitch shot up with a smile this morning. Coffee was made and the television prompted.

And there was Matt Lauer…and Tom…and Katie Holmes, looking very Patty Hearst meets Kristy McNichol.

Highlights include, but are not limited to…

“I’m just living my life.”, which made a bitch wonder is Tom is in the midst of a tragic remake of Madonna’s Truth or Dare. Love that movie....love it!

“It comes down to the movie. It always comes down to the movie…” Yes Tom. Sadly, it does.

But nothing could compare to the sparing match that took place in Segment 2 between Matt and Tom. A bitch has to give it to Cruise…he’s unrepentant. But his defiant defense of his position on post partum depression and psychology just rubbed my black ass the wrong way.

Tom, a bitch would like to chat with you. See, I feel that you mistake diction for education. Saying something with passion does not make it fact. Using “special science” to denounce psychology doesn’t make your point. And getting that mad over someone not agreeing with your opinion…well, that makes you look like a cultish freak. Sorry, honey. It does.

A bitch is not a defender of the over-prescription of meds to children. But my ass sure knew a few kids in school that needed something…whisky or vodka or ritilin…something!

What really pisses me off is the assumption that only "Tom Cruise" and his minions have “done the research” into psychology and meds and life and evolution and so on and so on. You pretentious fuck! You uneducated ignorant little shit! I know binge drinking frat boys who have a greater grasp of psychology than your ass. Jesus, have you ever even sat through Psych 101?

Tom, have you ever been in the room with a hyperactive child? Not “he needs to run more” hyperactive. No, my ass is referring to “Jesus, this lil'shit isn’t normal!!” hyperactivity. The kind that makes parents consider murder…seriously. No, I didn’t think so.

But you don’t care, do you Tom? You’re just living your life and vocally judging anyone who thinks or does differently than you do. It’s that hypocrisy that pisses me the fuck off. You sit there looking like a strung out freak mouthing off about how you don’t think about other people or what other people think about you. Then your dumb ass launches into a tirade on what other people do. Like you have some sort of PhD. in the science of life…which you don’t… you dumb fucking shit!

Yes, Tom. It does come back to the movies. Your movies suck. So a bitch would like to recommend that you cease molesting chil’ren and ranting against evildoers. How about picking up acting? You haven't done that for years! Or go be happy behind closed doors. Fuck you and your strung out new fuck of the week.

It all comes down to the movie, Tom.

It's all about the movie...

Hold please...

Brilliance takes time...

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

Seeking to relax, release and relate...

A bitch will be taking a blog break to rest my mind and purify my soul.

Look for my return to bitching this Friday June 24.

What?

Did you think my ass would pass up the opportunity to comment on Tom Cruise live on the Today Show Friday morning?

Never!

Toodles till Friday!

Monday, June 20, 2005

My name is ABB and I'll be your bitch this morning...

A bitch is bloody exhausted from a weekend of walking for the Cure and racing around to complete all the household tasks that must be done on the weekend or my ass will live in filth for another week. This adult shit is way over-rated.

My ass started this Monday off right (2 Sudafed, 1 Claritin, 2 cups of coffee and three cigs)…

A bitch is disturbed by the message this sends to the evildoers...
Did y’all catch the Today Show this morning? It seems that Porter Goss (Gooseman to this bitch, because we’re beyond tight like that) has “an excellent idea where Bin Laden is”. Who knew!?! Gooseman has never mentioned this before, and we talk all the time!

So, why the delay in bringing the “real killer” to justice? Well, it’s believed that Bin Laden is in Pakistan, our strong ally in the war on terror, and we are trying to motivate the Pakistani government to…well…act like an ally.

Why not just go in there and extract Bin Laden like they do in the movies? Great question! A bitch has one word for you…well, two…pay attention because some people have a hard time with this first word…Nuclear Weapons. The Pakistani’s have them and, amazingly enough, are willing to use them against their strong ally in the war on terror…America. Let’s be honest, Gooseman. We’re not “respecting the sovereignty of Pakistan”, are we? We’re American, and that means that “respect” and “sovereignty” both have fluid and ever-changing definitions to us. So, come on and admit that the only reason we have not flooded that fucking border is that we are almost 100% certain that our “ally” would blow us off the fucking map. Just say, it Goosebaby. SAY IT!

Joey B., the Bad Boy from Baltimore...
My good friend, Joey (yeah...tight like second cousins) Biden (D. U.S. Senate from Delaware), is running for President in 2008. A bitch adores Biden. Shit, I honestly like him more knowing that he virtually plagiarized a speech by a British politician word for word when announcing his run in 1987. The wolves...err, I mean the press were quick to take his ass out. And thus we were left with he who shall not be called by name. Fuck. I mean, fuck, fuck, fuck!

Sorry, but the wound still smarts.

Anyhoo, way to go Joey! A bitch has been calling for this since you ripped Scooter a new one over the war! Seriously, you are looking better and better. And a bitch now knows that you boys don’t actually write your own speeches.

Biden 2008.

Let’s all pray to the Devine One that he doesn’t start “explaining” anything. As a matter of fact, Biden needs to remain mute until we all get a handle on this shit.

Have I told you lately, that I love you...?
Since This Guy has raised the blog bar, a bitch will not even attempt to address Tom and Katie. Check it out, because honey chil’ has gone all out. A bitch is so pleased! Tickled! He's even addressed the recent splashing (note - posts must be read in order to fully appreciate the brilliance of This Guy).

Happy Fucking Monday, chil’ren!

Friday, June 17, 2005

A bitch will attempt to clarify...

A bitch was planning to rant about how freaky Tom Cruise is and how someone needs to save Katie Holmes. But, I don’t really give a fuck. Tom Cruise hasn’t made a movie worth my hard earned money in quite some time. As for Katie Holmes, I was never a fan. A bitch adored Wonder Boys, but any bitch that wears a size 8 boot could have filled that role. So, I’m going to pass on this story and hold onto my rant until the divorce. He usually kicks his women to the curb at the 9 year and 6 month mark, right?

Fuck them both.

Moving on, a bitch feels compelled to respond to some of the great comments made to yesterday’s post.

ABB’s Clarification of Yesterday’s Shit

A man’s infidelity does not “define” him or preclude him from saying anything. On it’s own, it really isn’t any of my business. Toss in some public visibility and it still isn’t my business. But add in a dash of community crusader and this bitch gets concerned.

Bill Cosby stood up and said, in a very weird and sometimes rambling way, what many of us have felt for some time. He made himself a target because he was talking about behavior and morals and “doing the right thing”. He stood up and chastised parents for not setting an example. He ranted about parental apathy and how things used to be in the old days.

“If I had walked out the house looking like that my ass would have been beat at every house on the street. People used to help each other raise our chil’ren!”

Well, this bitch agrees with the village theory. And I’m applying it here with Bill Cosby.

Bill Cosby needs to be called out because he matters. A bitch thinks he has some valuable things to say, but he is doing some very different things. If he had been fined for failing to leash his dawg and then started pontificating about the need for dawg owners to take responsibility for their pets, my ass would have jumped on that too! His fucking is related to the issue at hand and an example of how many of our leaders (see Jesse) can’t seem to demonstrate the very behavior they talk about wanting to see. Jesus, Marion Berry pulled a fucking Pookie (see New Jack City) in the middle of a drug epidemic in D.C.! God damnit, their behavior is beyond relevant when they turn around a bitch about all “those people" doing drugs or all “those people" fucking around.

Is fucking contagious? Because a bitch is concerned that maybe Jesse and Bill caught the fuck virus by hanging around all "those" people.

A bitch is not trying to jump on folks who have made mistakes in the past. What I am trying to do is bring up the greater issue. People are confused by the huge difference between what they are told to do and what the folks telling them actually end up doing. Chil’ren notice this shit and this bitch knows that the heathens in my community notice it too.

I ask you, can we really ask of others what we do not try to do? Wouldn’t Cosby be more profound if he discussed his behavior openly and put that shit into context? By remaining silent and yet moving forward on his Black Moral Values tour he is still saying a whole lot.

I’m not moralist and I don’t even believe in marriage, but a bitch does believe in commitment. I believe that adults owe their chil’ren a safe home and food on the table. I believe that adults should raise their chil’ren and that means modeling good behavior.

Because I believe this, my crazy black ass does not have any chil’ren. Okay?

I volunteer a great deal in the St. Louis community and I talk to a lot of young people. Trust me, these kids know who is walking the walk and who is just talking the talk. They use these moral inconsistencies to disregard the message.

And this bitch feels that the message is too important to allow it to be diluted or disputed because Bill Cosby can’t keep his dick in his pants.

Thursday, June 16, 2005

Hold on to your pudding pops...

A bitch's mood just improved with the news that Bill Cosby is coming to St. Louis!

Bill Cosby in The Lou! He's hosting a town hall meeting at Harris Stowe State College Monday June 20 from 6p-8p. They are being pretty frank about the fact that they don't have enough seats, so you may want to catch it on 104.9.

Now, a bitch has a lot to go over with The Coz. I've been watching that A&E show Intervention and a bitch feels ready to Intervene with Bill Cosby next week.

ABB's Agenda for Her Fictional Meeting with Bill Cosby

1. Inform Cosby that his bizarre use of phrasing and verbal rhythm is disturbing and off-putting. Tell him to relay the same feedback to Jesse. Talk normal! Jesus, doesn't he have a PhD.? Articulate, motherfucker. Stop talking about serious shit the same way you pontificate about a pudding pop.

2. Urge...no, challenge....no, tell Cosby to stop chasing pussy. Advise him to also come clean about the past ass he has chased. This shit is not going away and his ass has the 60s and 70s to address in the "historical tail chasing" department.

3. Urge Cosby to let go of that self-righteous indignation over each ass chasing, pinching, grabbing, fucking allegation. God Damnit, man, you paid child support for 20 years based on the possibility you may have been that baby's daddy! Do you know how much ass you have to tap to start forgetting the names of the ass you have tapped? From now on, when a person comes forward handle it like Wilt Chamberlain - I probably fucked her, so here's some money.

4. Explain to Cosby why he may need to back off the State of Blackness tip. He doesn't understand, or his ass wouldn't be coming to town to chat with us about it. Cosby, you had a point about "our" dirty laundry walking home from school with the pants off the ass (though that can be cute at times and a bitch did sport that look during my Black Militant phase). However, our dirty laundry is also going to court at the age of 60 to handle sexual harassment suits that they later have to admit may have happened "but not like she described". Hmmm. Your ass isn't exactly "leading by example", so step aside and let this bitch preside!

A bitch really likes Bill Cosby. I do! I'm just so disappointed that a man with so much promise can't pass up some side action. His wife is truly lovely. He clearly loves his family. But Bill Cosby has lost the moral credibility to cast judgment on those that this bitch agrees need to be judged.

And do we need a celebrity to tell us what's wrong with black America culturally? Shit, my ass can walk down the street and see what's going on. The issue is not "discussing it" but figuring out how to "act on" it.

We need to stop shouting at our chil'ren and sitting around doing nothing when they should see us looking for a job. We need to stop embracing welfare and start using the various organizations out there to get back on our two feet and provide for our chil'ren. We need to stop fucking like rabbits without a care for what may come hopping out in 9 months. We need to stop validating unplanned teen pregnancy because we mistake that for support. We need to take our sons and daughters to Walgreen’s and buy condoms with them then SHOW THEM HOW TO USE THEM!

Jesus to God, a sistah is tired of reading about my brothas and sistahs getting AIDS from lame sexual encounters and mercy fucks!

Chil'ren, we do not need Cosby to tell us what needs to happen. It's the "how" that keeps tripping us up.

Let the healing begin...

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

It’s pretty outside and I’m flying high off of a replenished supply of Sudafed (thank you, Mr. Thurman) and a 24 fl oz Mountain Dew. Jesus, they should put warning labels on this shit!

With jittery fingers and a perpetually jumping leg, a bitch takes on The Results of the Autopsy

Conclusion 1 – Terry’s brain was 50% of what it should have been. This level of brain damage is irreversible and non-responsive to therapy.

Conclusion 2 – She was not poisoned or strangled or thrown down the stairs (my bad, wrong case). Anyway, they don’t know what happened. Illness is funny like that. Shit happens. No heart attack or stroke. No eating disorder damage either. So…oh, faithful ones…this shit was truly and unexplained act of…The Devine One.

Conclusion 3 – Terry was blind. No, she was not “following” the light in those videos. She couldn’t see. This is a fucking fact proven by the complete lack of “this shit makes you be able to see” brain-matter.

Long and short, Terry was in a persistant vegetative state and would not have come out of it or gotten better. The family will deny the accuracy of this report and this bullshit will labor in the courts.

But a bitch, fueled by 110 calories of pure sugar, is compelled to explore deeper.

From an ethical point, doctors are charged to save life and not evaluate the hypothetical quality of that life post saving. In real world terms, than means they pump your ass full of enough air and adrenaline that your “should be dead” ass is technically alive but only by medically assistive means.

From a neo-con faith-based standpoint, the “conflict” arose when life was sustained. They don't realize that, but that is the message they are sending. Save life and we are obligated to defend it, so you'd better be careful which life you save. By “saving” Terry, doctors actually created the ethical quandary that these families have been dancing around. Once on the machine, you can’t pull the plug. But doctors will argue that they can’t evaluate the potential of life while trying to save it. Note that the previous Pope, though clearly ailing, was not put on any life sustaining machines so those boys in dresses wouldn't have to deal with this shit.

Based on this logic, the only solution is to not intervene when a bitch falls to the ground. But these fuckers wouldn’t like that either. They’d have a bitch laying around tubed up for years, which I do not want…ever.

So what is it? Huh? What’s it gonna be? Life is either worth trying to save or too sanctified to tamper with for fear of not saving it right.

Are we better off giving it all to The Devine One? No meds or doctors to tamper with Her will?

Oh shit, those Christ Scientists are starting to make sense!

Who knew a caffeine overdose had the power to make them seem logical?

A minion comes out as a corrupt little shit...

A bitch just stumbled across this news blip. Yes, this makes perfect sense.

Congratulations are due to Mr. Cooney for coming out of his "legitimate government official" closet and telling the world "I'm a corrupt minion doing the devils work! We are legion and they call us by the name Neo-Con! (diabolical laughter)!"

Way to go!

This bitch is waiting for the story proclaiming "Ex Gitmo interrogator opens S&M Dungeon amid controversy that he's too unstable to dominate safely".

Jesus, these people make me sick!

Save the Date...

A bitch is feeling the need to party and get her pre-PrideFest on. So, please save the date for a shin-dig at AMP Friday June 24...

Details to follow shortly...

A bitch loves the sound of protests in the morning...

The problem with protests is that the "issues" rarely get discussed. Having said that, this bitch adores a good protest! Riots, marches, and sit-ins - I love them all. I usually don’t stay longer than I can last without peeing (a bitch has issues with public toilets), but toss in a clean public restroom and I’m down for the cause!

So, a bitch was eager to read the dish on the boo-fest that took place at Santa Monica College during graduation. The Governator returned to his sorta kinda alma mater to address the class of 2005. He was booed by some in the crowd and the traveling protestors who follow him as if he were the Grateful Dead.

What's their beef? A bitch did some investigative journalism and found the basic dish...according to CNN.

Arnold (we are so not tight like that..a bitch is being familiar) has called for a Special Election in California to address…well…to take down the folks who hate him. The Special Election will cost the state around $45 million dollars. Wow, that’s what a bitch calls a return to fiscal sanity!

Arnold is taking on special interest groups in Cali-for-ni-ah – teachers (those evil doers), nurses (nasty anti-government radicals) and public employee unions (Communists…Republicans can’t stand Communists).

Arnold proposes the following; a cap on state spending (after he shells out $45 mill, of course), stripping lawmakers of the power to draw their own districts (Republican power grab move #1 – they did this shit in Texas and consolidated power in one fell swoop) and increasing the time it takes for teachers to gain tenure (because, Lawdy, there is a run on teacher positions – Jesus, we have more applicants than jobs…not!).

A bitch is concerned for the people of California. The Devine One weighed in on the issue with an off-coast 7.0 magnitude earthquake. Translation – get your shit together! Oh, and don't go to the fucking beach when there's a Tsunami warning. Dumb shit! Better yet...go and do the world a favor!

Anyhoo, special elections make sense when the issues being addressed are pressing. But this shit really is weird. The worst part is that some Californians chose this asshole. Okay, maybe they had a legitimate issue with Gov. Davis, but was Arnold really necessary?

To wrap up, Arnold gave his speech and then rushed into his waiting SUV (was it a Hummer?) and made for Orange County or wherever the conservative compound is.

Now, Missouri has its own fucked up Governor and I have no idea how to get rid of him early. I’m not trying to piss in California’s Corn Flakes when there’s a turd floating in mine. I’m just concerned.

And a wee bit jealous.

Why can't we get a crowd together and follow Blunt around booing? He sucks just as much as Arnold...if not more! We can't afford teachers, our schools produce illiterate chil'ren, and he's not even aware that the Civil War is over! Oh...he's a homophobe too! Oh, oh...he also hates unions! Did I mention that he hates black people?

So, can we have a shout fest in Jefferson City?

With all the bullshit being produced down there, a bitch is sure that they’ve got nice toilets!

On second though, fuck it. That makes as much sense as going to the beach to catch that Tsunami heading in...

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

Makes you wanna take a bath...

A bitch is in a foul mood. I’m actively trying to snap out of it, but sometimes my ass just gets fed up with everything and now is such a time.

A bitch was unsuccessful in my attempt to avoid the media frenzy over the not guilty verdict in the Michael Jackson trial. Half a bottle of Jesus' Juice did nothing to dull the pain. These assholes were fucking melting down over this shit! And a bitch has had enough…enough, I tell you…of the frenzy and stupid assed questions over this verdict!

ABB’s Summary of the Sorry Assed Trial of Michael Jackson
Motherfuckers, this trial was over before it started. Media hacks - please sit down and take notes so a bitch can make you understand what you seem incapable of understanding.

Michael had a great lawyer, but if he had a Public Defender he would have won this shit. There was no DNA bombshell. No witness worth shit came forward to corroborate the accuser's story. The Prosecution sucked and the testimony was random as hell. This is not a case of "celebrity justice" or "jury nullification". They simply were not presented enough evidence to overcome the standard of reasonable doubt. That’s it. Not enough shit on the table, God Damnit!

No, Katie, they did not acquit Michael because the accuser's mother acted like a mad woman. No, Nancy Grace, this is not the most shocking acquittal in the history of modern man. No, CNN, the verdict does not exonerate Michael. You peevish little shits, this verdict simply states that the State of California did not present enough evidence to convict Michael Jackson on the molestation of that boy.

Now, why the fuck does this bother you shits so much? Why are you getting all worked up? Your legal advisors all agree that this verdict is sound and that the jury feedback was reasonable. The jury deliberated for several days before coming back. There were no renegade black jurors that you can blame for the verdict. Michael didn’t play the "race card" or any of that other shit you love to pontificate about.

You just wanted him to go down, didn’t you? You just feel that he’s guilty. And you know what? So do I. I think he is guilty. But I don’t think the state proved it.

And that brings a bitch to the parents. Doesn’t is always come back to them? I charge Michael’s parents for raising him like a freak and clearly not addressing his bizarre behavior in a caring way. They are guilty of enabling him and this bitch thinks they are guilty of abusing him into a state of perpetual weirdness.

A bitch accuses the children's parents of extreme greed. You sick, money hungry craven bastards! Nothing makes me more ill than the thought of a child being sold for sex. And let me be clear – these children were sold for sex! I don’t want to hear any bullshit on this, either. If Michael didn’t fuck them and I’m wrong it doesn’t exonerate the parents from putting their children in an environment that screams to any sane person that a child is likely to get fucked there! Jesus to God and back to Earth again, you people are the lowest of the low.

Where is the Christian Coalition on this shit? Where are the moralists? Come out, fuckers, and tell the world that families should protect children and that this is wrong and these parents are sick and shouldn’t be allowed to keep their kids. Where are you fuckers? Are you waiting for one of the parents to come out of the closet? Because this is your issue…sitting square in the bull’s eye, honey! I’ve had to suffer through attacks on Sponge Bob and PBS, but where is your opinion on this shit. But of course, you are silent. Because when a real issue of parental fitness hits the fan you don’t want any part of it. Irrelevant hypocritical hateful fucks!

I’m so tired. A bitch wishes things were different. A bitch wishes the media had spent even one tenth of the time covering the trial that opened up in Mississippi. The trial of a violent segregationist who participated in the murder of three young civil rights workers and got away with it. What would they ahve accomplished had they lived? What did his not guilty verdict so many years ago mean to our country? I wish they would explore that "justice" and the impact it had. A bitch couldn’t even find that story yesterday for all the mental masturbation taking place over Michael.

I confess I was eager to get the verdict. I desperately wanted this trial to be over. And I hate waiting for anything.

But I didn’t prepare myself for the pile of shit waiting to shower me post verdict. I knew it was coming...but denial is this bitch’s blanket in many a media shit storm…

Its time to stock up on the Jesus Juice and head for high ground.

Monday, June 13, 2005

Post Mortem...

A bitch is not looking forward to the 24/7 media feeding frenzy that will take place tonight. I’m heading to the store to stock up on cigs and vodka.

Michael Jackson has been found not guilty on all charges.

And now a bitch is curious....

Will Michael retreat into Hughesian seclusion?

What kind of man will Blanket grow up to be?

Will ignorant money hungry parents continue to send their chil'ren to Neverland?

Is this like the famed Liberace trial of the 60s?

Will we ever get a good multi-month trial with video like O.J. again?

How long will it take for the shitty exploitative books to come out?

Why did CNN.com post that grid if they weren’t going to use it?

Why?

Not Guilty...

...but a long way from proven innocent.

Sigh.

Like watching paint dry...

A bitch is facinated by the drama and the agony of waiting!

CNN.com has posted a color-coded verdict grid.

Damn, a bitch wishes they had been this concerned with accuracy before the war...

Sigh.

tic....

Katie Holmes is converting to Scientology? Do I give a fuck? No.

toc...

tic...

fucking toc...

They have reached a verdict....

a bitch sits anxiously at her desk refreshing CNN.com like a neurotic freak!

tic...

toc...

tic...

toc...

Strange fruit hanging from the poplar trees...

Sometimes a bitch wishes she was a dumbass and all the problems of the world were beyond my comprehension.

But I am who I am and I notice so very much…

For the love of God...
Natalee Holloway has been missing on the island of Aruba for quite some time. A bitch was tired of this shit from the start, because I really don’t see the news angle. “Pretty young honor student goes missing” is tragic, but not news. Then, the Aruban authorities threw the media a familiar bone – two large black men who work as security guards near, not at, the hotel were arrested and dragged before the international press while handcuffed! Yeah! Now, the media licked its chops over the prospect of a brutally assaulted and or murdered young blond! And sexualized black men too...oh my!

If she’s alive...Dateline Survival Story and Ann Curry can interview, because she does emotion better than Katie!

If she’s dead…48 Hours Mystery! Who killed the young student and isn’t Aruba dark and dangerous?

Without a victim, we are left with “What did these evil black beasts do to that poor young blond blue-eyed honor student? Oh, my gawd!” And this bitch thinks this story has been old.

A bitch’s mind was more intrigued by the fact that the media wasn’t covering the “What the fuck was she thinking?” angle. See, Miss Natalee was seen getting into a car with not one, not two, but three young tan frat types. Okay. Miss Natalee was also at a club…late…very late and without her “who needs enemies when you have friends like this” friends who let her most likely drunk off her ass self go into a vehicle in a fucking foreign country without them! Then they left her ass to go back home when she didn’t show up at the airport! MmmmHmmm…maybe they should have a chat with the original travel group, but that would be too much like right.

But I digress.

That would have been an interesting story. A bitch might have tuned in to see NBC tackle the “other countries have their own laws and not all pretty faces with clever accents can be trusted” angle. But instead NBC followed the heard and covered the “crazed black men took Massa’s daughter out ‘da yard!” angle.

This morning Natalee Holloway’s mum took to the airwaves to bitch about Aruban justice. Hello?! They are a country and get to do “justice” however the fuck they want to! Note to ‘bama – when you have to whip out your passport you are no longer in the US and our laws don’t mean shit! If that pisses you off, take a number and get into line behind the Gitmo prisoners trying to make sense of our fucked up methods. Jesus.

Anyhoo, Natalee’s mum was all frantic because Aruban authorities aren’t beating the shit out of the three boys to find out what they did to her daughter.

What three boys? What happened to the two huge black security guards?

Great questions, class! See, the guards disappeared from the press. The three frat types were the folks actually seen with Natalee the night she disappeared! So why arrest two unrelated massive black security guards? Now that is a fucking dumb question.

Since security tapes don’t show the boys doing what the boys say they were doing, a bitch thinks Natalee’s mum may have a point. But she also stated that she thinks that the two security guards need to be set free because they really are not connected.

Not connected...yet dragged before the international press in handcuffs.

And this takes a bitch to the ugly topic of lynching. The Senate will apologize this week for failing to pass an anti-lynching law back in the day. For my international readers – lynching was the practice of murdering a black person by hanging and or burning and or dragging them in public to “send a message”. Lynchable offenses included, but were not limited to, failing to leave the sidewalk when a white person passed, making eye contact with a white woman, addressing a white person in a familiar way, getting too full of oneself and being in the wrong place at the wrong time when the village got bored. Folks actually held picnics and danced around burned and or hung bodies. There is only one known survivor of a lynching and he will be on hand to see the Senate address its wrong this week.

A bitch appreciates the symbolism of this apology, but to me the two stories (Natalee and lynching) are intertwined.

We now live in a world where children of the Diaspora do not face the constant threat of lynching. A bitch would like to point out that the practice still exists and has moved on to more diverse targets (see Matthew Shephard) But we still live in a world were a black man is the first suspect when a white woman goes missing. And the media still dives right in without question when a black suspect is presented to them.

Is a bitch supposed to find progress in the fact that these two men in Aruba are not swinging high?

Seems like Aruban trees bear strange fruit too and this bitch doesn’t plan to celebrate the lack of blood on the leaves and blood on the root…

Friday, June 10, 2005

In Defense of the Shark...

A bitch is feeling very bitchy this morning. My blog-mentor, Rob Thurman, beat my ass to the shark attack story that aired on the Today Show this morning.

Damn, that child is fast!

But he encouraged me, as a good mentor should, to proceed with my rant on the complete bullshit that is the anti-shark movement.

Do ya’ll remember the Year of the Shark? That media frenzy that surrounded a few shark attacks a few years back? All everyone could talk about was whether it was safe to swim in the ocean and why are those sharks biting everyone. A bitch wasn’t a "blog" back then, so all my venom was voiced in loud screaming sessions toward the telly!

But now my ass has a forum...

The Bitch is a Shark and the Shark is a Bitch

When I was a wee bitch in training I acquired the nickname Sharkie. My mouth was overcrowded and my permanent teeth began to come in behind the baby teeth. This multiple row thang was noticed by a complete asshole that rode the bus with me to school. Rather than just tease me about my blackness, he now began to tease me about my blackness and my teeth. A bitch was disturbed and I informed my mother that I couldn’t take this shit anymore and would not ride the bus every again! My mother’s response was something like…

“Get a fucking grip! You need to learn how to live this life black, girl! And your mouth is going to be your mouth! Stop letting some shit on the bus get to you. If that asshole calls you a shark then be a shark. Claim that shit! And stop crying before I give you something to cry about!”

After I recovered from my mother’s tirade, I decided that she was right. Gonna make fun of my blackness? Fine motherfucker! Shit…I am black! Proud of it, motherfucker! I look in the mirror and say damn, a bitch sho' is fine! I look fucking fantastic like this!

And an AngryBlackBitch was born…

Wanna make fun of my teeth? Watch your back, motherfucker, ‘cause a bitch bites! Aint no shame in my grill, either! I can fix my teeth, but he's going to be a fucking ass for life!

And The Shark was given life…

Over the years, my nickname has evolved into Sharkie, The Shark, da Shark and Shark-fu. When I sold media, I was a sales shark. Basically, I am a killer. It’s true!

I also adore sharks. I love their efficiency! They are beyond bullshit. And they don't deserve to be trashed by the media for doing what they do in their fucking territory!

ABB’s Defense of the Shark

What the fuck? That little shit got what was coming to him! He didn’t even know a shark bit him until his Momma sent a fucking picture of the wound to an expert. And who the fuck takes pictures of oozing wounds and sends them out for verification? What’s wrong with these people?

This ‘lilshit actually plans to go back out there. His mother approves! A bitch thinks this is Darwinian. Splashing around like dinner increases your chances of being eaten, you dumb ass! So fuck this story and fuck the media for blowing it out of proportion. Isn’t it enough that we pollute the water with refuse? Do we now have to pollute it with stupid people too? Better yet, they should jump the fuck it! This could turn out to be a good thing...

The ocean is not a playground. Things live there! It’s their fucking home!

The shark belonged there.

‘Lilshit didn’t.

This rant has been brought to you by the one and only AngryBlackBitch aka Shark-Fu!

Thursday, June 09, 2005

You deserve a break today....

McDonald’s is launching a new advertising campaign aimed at America’s kids. Ronald McDonald’s head is placed on a detached super fit cutout of himself. He’s featured playing soccer and eating fruit salads. Why? Because burgers and fries are sometimes foods!

A bitch fucking loves this shit!

The P.R. hack that was interviewed on the Today Show this morning was beyond amusing. She said something like “Ronald has an opportunity to be a positive force for good!” How many hours and how much dedication goes in to crafting a phrase of complete simplistic bullshit like that? We are talking talent, people! Talent!

Anyhoo, a bitch was thinking that the digitally re-mastered Ronald is probably a good idea. American kids are dealing with serious weight issues and Type 2 diabetes is getting out of control. It can’t hurt, but is McDonald’s really to blame? Should Ronald have to carry the weight (pun intended) of America’s obesity problem on his shoulders?

ABB’s Ponderings on Food

Fast Food
A bitch is confused by the argument that fast food is responsible for America’s weight problems. It sounds too much like the arguments surrounding the war of drugs. Basically, we are blaming the suppliers again.

Fast food isn’t free and consumption of it isn’t required by law. No one is going to be dragged into court for not meeting his or her French fry quota this year. Yet, we are asking an industry to remove items from their menus that are actually selling. People need to step back and grab hold of reality. You eat it by choice. This bitch takes total responsibility for consuming vast portions of fried chicken, which resulted in weight gain. A bitch never assumed that fried chicken wouldn’t end up on her ass! I ate it because it was a comfort, but I never convinced myself that there wasn’t a cost associated with that comfort. Add to this the fact that there was a real monetary cost as well. This bitch has shelled out hundreds of dollars over the years to get my fix. I’m actually saving money by doing Weight Watchers. Fuck.

At any rate, I understand that marketing plays a part. When a bitch is feeling down and a commercial for Popeye’s comes on I want it. I want that two piece with a biscuit and a pepper! But the marketing doesn’t work if I’m not hungry and in need of comfort. Take a bitch’s soul out of the dumpster and that commercial looses a lot of it’s power.

Ronald McDonald didn’t get my ass into McDonald's either. A bitch is actually a wee bit frightened of clowns. Those fucking yummy assed fries are what did it. And I take responsibility for that. Oh, and I bloody well paid for the privilege of eating those fries too. Sigh.

If we didn’t eat the stuff, do we really think they would still produce it? Honestly, it really is the same fucked up argument that is the foundation for the war on drugs! A bitch really doesn’t think dealers would be sitting on corners fretting about why no one wants crack if the crack heads stopped coming by to score. Nope, they would move on to the new drug of choice. Supply doesn’t exist without demand and fast food restaurants are no exception.

How long will the yogurt parfaits stay around if they don’t move? Are we being intellectually lazy? Are we once again seeking a scapegoat for our own lack of parenting and individual control?

Home Food

This one’s really simple. You are totally responsible for what you cook in your home. There are clever ways around being broke, too tired, too busy or just lazy. Try coupons, easy prep. meals or salad kits. And you can fry something every once and awhile, just not daily. Fuck it if you are gorwn - your ass can eat or not eat. But if you have chil'ren you really need to practice some denial and cut uop a fucking apple! My mother didn't teach me a damned thing about proper eating and I'm fucking paying a computerized program to educate me now. Shit! Do the chil'ren a favor and cut up that fucking apple or they may be taking about you lke this in 15 years on their blog.

Most people eat like shit. It’s a fact! Why are we cooking shit food? Is it because we want to eat like that? Then fine. But you may want to lead by example if you are a parent and choose to grill that pork chop.

A bitch is plagued by choices and consequences in this diet game. I can choose to eat the grease or choose to eat the salad. Chil’ren have no real choice. All they can do is bitch and they can only take that so far. Parenting, for lack of a better word, is a good thing. Teaching good habits and saying “no” can be life-altering acts of kindness. Broke parents have to do it all the time.

Either way, get off Ronald’s case! His new imagery will be giving this bitch nightmares for weeks…looks like he caught a fucking meth. habit!

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

What if I had powers...?

What if a bitch had powers?

Specifically, a bitch is wondering what it would be like if I could actually talk to the people who annoy me on morning television.

To Howard Dean after his appearance on the Today Show…

Why can’t you just fucking make sense? Howie (we’re close like that), why do you have to be so weird during interviews? I get your e-mails and you always seem articulate and sane. Yet, today you seemed aggressive and a bitch did not exactly understand the words that were coming out of your mouth. Howie, you are in the big leagues now! Make sense or fucking fake it! Do not argue over percents of minority voters when you do not know the percentages. Do not let people record your voice during events with that shady Nixonian sounding old school tape-recorder again! Nothing sounds good on those tapes…it was both porn like and Nixonian at the same time! Ugh! You sounded crazy and inaccurate!

Howie, I need a hero and I’m not feeling very particular about who it ends up being. Pull it together and lead, motherfucker! Oh, and close your mouth when you are on television! Jesus, are you trying to look crazy?

Sharing with Tony Blair after his appearance on the Today Show…

What kind of homeboy are you, Tone (yeah…very close…very informal, Tone and me)? A bitch thinks your ass may be full of shit on this whole “I’m friends with Scooter and Bubba (Bubba being Bill Clinton – not close, but I’m working on it). Tone, dual friendship with these two specific motherfuckers simply isn’t possible! Stop the bullshit and tell it like it is. You can’t stand Scooter and you blame him for almost costing you the fucking election. Just say it. Come on. SAY IT, FUCKER!!

Okay, a bitch is willing to entertain the notion that you are “working” Scooter. You feel that the U. K. should get some sort of payback for backing us through our waves upon waves of…err…umm…spreading democracy?.. no, that’s just bullshit isn’t it…empire building…no, that’s so early 1900’s…aggression! Yes, its really just aggression. So, having waded in right along with us, you now feel that you should get something back. You arrive in America and ask for some shit to go down in Africa.

And you got what from Scooter?

That’s right, honey. You got jack shit! Welcome to our world. Now you get to experience what the American public has been dealing with for over four miserable years! A two faced, completely insincere, self-indulgent, war-loving ass who is dedicated to the principle of flushing our economy down the toilet while making enemies left and right only to turn his back on one of our true friends when he asks us to do the right fucking thing in Africa! He's great, isn't he?

Sit down, shut up and listen Tone. Scooter is an ass. He is not your friend. He will leave you to drown in a vat of his shit. Run, don’t walk, back to Europe and make some other friends. Just stop kissing Scooter's "6-months into his 2nd term and therefore virtually irrelevant" ass in public. Have some fucking pride, motherfucker! Jesus, a bitch misses the days when British Prime Ministers could be counted on for snobbish behavior and a general disdain for all things American!

Sigh.

If only they could hear what I scream at them every morning…

Tuesday, June 07, 2005

Names have been changed to protect the innocent...

Several years ago a wonderful young college grad came to work at the same media sales office as this bitch. Maggie was young and happy and full of energy. She joined an office full of bitter, pill popping, heavy drinking media sharks. But rather than lash out at Maggie for being so fresh and nice, we were all drawn to her like flies to a flame. It was like being afforded an opportunity to experience that part of life again through her eyes.

Maggie started working with me as an assistant to our department. Slowly, I took on a mentor relationship with her. I got to know her family, which consisted of her very conservative father, her equally sunny mother and her spoiled assed sister. Since a bitch had a rapidly deteriorating relationship with my own mother, I was fascinated to watch the legitimate love and support showered upon Maggie by her mother Paula.

When I was Maggie’s age, my father died suddenly of a massive heart attack. I was shattered, but slowly began to learn how to live this life without his presence. For those who have experienced the loss of a parent, they know that there is life before and then life after. The void between these two lives is a hollow timeless vat of unexplainable pain. And then you move forward into life “without”…life “minus”…a life missing someone. But a bitch knows that I was blessed not to see my beloved father suffer with a prolonged illness.

I know this because I watched my mentee Maggie endure the slow, bitter loss of her mother Paula to breast cancer.

One random Tuesday, Maggie came into the office 2 hours late and looking like shit. After trying to engage her in conversation I finally asked, with a slight attitude, what the fuck was wrong. People don’t expect drama to happen to 23-year-old sorority girls. We just assume that their troubles are trivial and involve some boy or girl and too much beer. But Maggie was clearly legitimately upset. She broke down and sobbed for 20 minutes.

“My mother has breast cancer. It’s already spread. They say she has a 50/50 chance!”

Comfort was given and it wasn’t enough. Over the next week Maggie gathered strength and decided to look at the glass as half full. I watched the strain a daughter endures as her mother fights…and I mean fights like hell…to stay alive. I visited Paula in her lovely home and watched her struggle to play hostess. I saw the look of defeat spring into her eyes as I finally took over "her" kitchen and made her the tea she didn’t have the strength to prepare.

Paula’s cancer went into remission and then the fucker came back with a vengeance. She was horribly sick and throwing up all the time due to the treatments. So, when her doctor mentioned pot, she really was willing to try anything. Paula was a rather conservative woman, so she was freaked out about the whole idea.

Three more days of retching made up everyone’s mind about the “pot” option.

Medical marijuana wasn’t legal, but Paula found out where to "score" from a fellow patient. She then called me…to find out if the neighbors would know if she smoked outside…to find out what it would feel like…to confess.

I am not ashamed to say that I walked Paula through the who, what, when and where. And we laughed together at the idea of her sitting in one of the most exclusive neighborhoods in town and "smoking out". I had to break it to her that she was not the only chic hitting the weed in that neighborhood. And that made her laugh even harder. Mind you, she hadn’t even lit up!

The pot worked. Paula was able to function again. She made Thanksgiving dinner for her family and sat through the meal without having to run for the toilet. This was a victory over her cancer. Paula’s perfect turkey was the big cancer Fuck You of the year.

Paula lost her battle with breast cancer in 2002. She was able to sit and talk and relate to her family up to the very end. Paula shared her awe at the power of pot to conquer her nausea and calm her spirit with me several times. I know it helped her be the mother she took pride in being while she fought breast cancer.

And I know that made all the difference to her.

A bitch is sharing this to personalize this fucking issue. I am angry that women still fight and struggle and die from breast cancer. I am angry that they are now denied the legal use of medicinal marijuana. I’m fucking pissed that Maggie’s mother didn’t get to see her walk down the aisle and get married last year or help her pick out flowers for the wedding. And I am beyond pissed that this wonderful woman is no longer in the world.

But above all, I am livid that the first and only time Paula broke the law was to use pot…to calm her nausea…so she could cook a meal for the family she loved…and feel like she was alive and not dying.

Join me in St. Louis, Saturday June 18th, at the Komen Race for the Cure as I walk in Paula’s memory.

There was hope in the medicinal use of marijuana.

And there is hope in a cure.

Monday, June 06, 2005

Matt fucking Blunt - Confederate Governor from Hell

A bitch woke up with one topic on her mind. This kind of singular focus is rare. I usually have several things that I’m pissed off at. So what is the bitch pissed about, you ask? What could have possibly moved ahead of continued Gitmo prisoner abuse and an ongoing hatred of all things Michael?

I’ve got three words for you, chil’ren…

Matt fucking Blunt.

My fellow Missourians will immediately understand! He’s our Governor, God help us. His wife is a tacky munchkin like thing who has produced what appeared to be a baby a few months back. I’m not just being bitchy…it was very Damienesque. Honest! Matt is anti-choice and a homophobe who disputes evolution and believes that Missouri should start flying the fucking Confederate Flag.

Fuck his privileged, ignorant, family probably doesn’t even date back to the Civil War ass to hell! Yes, I said HELL! I don’t even believe in hell…but I want it to exist just so that Matt Blunt can go there and burn motherfucker burn!

But I digress.

This shit is what I’m referring to.

I’m disgusted that this debate continues to go on. To my knowledge, the United States is the only country in the world that allows the rebel flag of a militant group of radical separatists to fly within its borders. Please, prove me wrong! I may find comfort in some miserable company.

Either way, the Civil War was fought and won. It's over! It's fucking been over! A bitch is concerned that the boy Governor has lost his fucking mind! Or perhaps not. Maybe he’s just declaring his true loyalties.

ABB’s Take of this Bullshit Flag Shit

The undisputed history of the Confederate Flag is as follows.

First Insurgent Aggression
12/20 1860 – South Carolina declared it’s independence from the United States of America – this was the first aggressive flare up of the insurgency.

The Insurgency Unites Under One Leader
2/9 1860 – The subsequent militant states all gather with the original enemy combatants of South Carolina and form the first terrorist organization to systematically attack the United States of America – The Confederate States of America.

Terror under a Militant Flag
4/10 1861 – In their first act of militant anti-American terrorism, the enemy combatants of the CSA engage in an act of terror at Fort Sumter. The Confederate Battle Flag was adopted by the enemy combatants as the official flag of the CSA.

You Can Run But You Can’t Hide!
4/9 1865 – General Robert E. Lee throws down his weapons and surrenders his army.

One nation, one flag?
4/14 1865 – The Stars and Stripes is raised above the former terrorist stronghold at Ft. Sumter.

Motherfuckers, this is not about history or heritage! The Confederate Flag is and can only be the representative flag of a terrorist insurrection against the elected government of the United States of America. It was the official flag of a militant organization whose insurgency still raises its ugly head in this country. Nothing good has been done under the Confederate Flag. Sorry. Nothing! Just lynchings, killings, rape, war and death. That’s it, motherfuckers. So pack up the hoop skirts and move the fuck on!

Matt Blunt just spat in the face of every Missourian who believes in equality. He spat in the face of every Missourian of color. He shits on those who have tried to find common ground between the races here.

And I hate him. I hate him for stirring this shit up. I hate him for being a peevish unevolved little shit. I hate Matt Blunt and I wish him nothing but unhappiness, misery and debt.

And to those rebel flag waving shits – bring it on!

You peevish little no-budget balancing, medicaid slashing, no education policy having, ugly assed baby creating racist shit!

Jesus to God, a bitch doesn't know if I can survive 3 more years of this shit!

Friday, June 03, 2005

The PPD Media Blitz - Cruise versus Shields...

A bitch woke up this morning with every intention of watching the first 30 minutes of the Today Show if it fucking killed me. I must confess that, between dealing with the assault on the Cabrio and the need to get my ass into work early, I’ve missed those assholes!

A bitch settled down with a giant cup of coffee (lots of cream and tons of Splenda) and a brand new pack of cigs!

And what should confront me?

A fucking 30 minute tummy tuck done live on fucking morning television! Jesus to God, are these freaks crazy? A bitch literally ran to the bathroom fearing a massive fit of vomiting!

Dear new Today Show producer who replaced the poor hapless fool who indulged Katie in the firing of Cojo... if you ever take leave of your senses and show a fucking surgical procedure on morning television again this bitch will hunt you down and make you watch 48 hours of Discovery Health while eating raw liver. ASS!

Denied my longed for Today Show fix, a bitch was forced to cruise around. Fuck it all! Diane Sawyer has taken to pursing her lips like Renee Zell-whatever and I don’t understand it! Get collagen or don’t. But for the love of chocolate, stop all the pursing! Looks like y’all are breastfeeding without a breast.

A bitch settled on CNN with a frown and a second cup of coffee (less cream and more Splenda), two Sudafed, one Claritin and two Excedrin.

Oh come on… its Friday…of course I had a second cup of coffee!

I was just about to turn it off and search for something within TiVo, when the segment about Tom Cruise and postpartum depression graced my brain.

Settle down and get very comfy chil’ren, because this one has it all…an egomaniacal officially not gay Tom Cruise…. Scientology….Brooke Shields….and a medical doctor with a book to sell. Thank you of Devine Spirit of Morning Television. Thank you! I shall sacrifice a goat or small bug in your honor!

Wiping away tears of schedenfreudal joy…

CNN Anchorbitch, face tight and hair high “Tom Cruise is stirring up drama by denouncing Brooke Shields for taking meds to combat postpartum depression. Cruise stated that simple exercise and vitamins would have done the trick. As a Scientologist, Cruise believes psychology and meds are harmful.”

A bitch hit pause (thank you, TiVo) and asked the Beagle (only other bitch in the room) a simple question.

“Betsey the Beagle, what the fuck does Tom “I aint never produced a natural assed sperm meets egg baby in my life” Cruise know about postpartum depression? I mean really, dawg, I don’t know shit about it either. This bitch don’t know nothing about having no babies (not so subtle nod to Gone With the Wind fans), but you don’t see my ass trying to tell some mental bitch how to handle that shit! Alls I know, dawg, is that I’m tired of hearing about people drowning their kids. Oh, and I like pills. Pills are good!”

Betsey the Beagle, in the silent language of dawgs “Bitch, lay off the coffee. Jesus, can’t a bitch sleep? And who the fuck are you talking about, anyway?” Yawn. Reposition on couch. Snore.

A bitch could only sigh and hit play.

The CNN Anchorbitch awkwardly segued into a live interview with an actual doctor.

Anchorbitch to doctor “Is Tom cruise right?”

Doctor “No. Post Partum depression is caused by a hormonal imbalance that results from the hormone producing blah, blah, blah.”

A bitch tuned the rest of that shit out. Lots of medical talk and slightly creep words like placenta. Anyway, what the fuck? Where does Tom Cruise get off having an opinion about this shit? A bitch is not overly familiar with Scientology, but this complete denouncement of medical science is downright medieval. It wouldn’t be so troubling if there weren’t horrific incidents of death and destruction associated with post partum depression. But there are and there is already a stigma, as Brooke Shields mentioned on Oprah last month, that makes many women not seek medical attention.

Sigh again.

Tom Cruise is a tool! A bitch thinks that the Scientologists should have rolled out one of their female celebrities to talk about this shit. Preferably a mother or someone who has dealt with it in his or her own life.

One of my friends had a horrible bout with PPD. She stopped bathing and eating and didn’t want to leave her bed. He husband ended up forcing her to go to the doctor and she was diagnosed. Finding out that there was a medical reason for her depression and that it was treatable (with drugs, motherfuckers…lots of drugs) made all the difference. She is now bonded with her child. More importantly she didn’t hurt her child or herself.
The Devine One gave us doctors and meds and shrinks and therapists. Use them. Or don’t. But step the fuck off trying to tell others what to do to solve their drama. This kind of drama needs to be solved, not meditated on or played around with. This bitch is tired of non-uterus having no longer relevant celebrities who are dating fucking fetuses mouthing off about medical conditions and meds.! Dating a fetus is not the same as giving birth, Tom! Shut the fuck up and go find another movie to play yourself in!

Final Fantasmically Bad Media Moment on CNN…

The doctor pitching his book on natural hormone replacement therapy to treat post partum depression rather than answering Anchorbitch’s poorly phrased questions on the topic.

Beautiful!

Fucking beautiful!

Thursday, June 02, 2005

But didn't you boys break the law...?

Since the outing of Deep Throat, the Watergate felons have been all over the media bitching and calling Mark Felt a traitor. A bitch has a particular fondness for Watergate and its many felons, so I’ve been as happy as a bitch in drama can be! But the conservative response caught my attention and pissed in my drama loving Cornflakes.

For example...

Pat Buchanan
Occupation – Conservative Talking Head and Conservative Reactionary
Watergate Connection - Nixon speechwriter or something like that.
General Disposition - Complete Ass
Shameless Attempt at Relevance – Ran for President
Time lapse between Deep Throat Revelation and Knee Jerk Reaction – The 12 hours it took for his offensive ass to pop up on the Today Show.

A bitch first came to know Buchanan when he ran for President in the early 80’s. He liked to say that Blacks and Hispanics should go back to where they came from. A bitch was always amused by these statements because…I mean, with a last name like Buchanan…well, fuck…you know his ass shouldn’t be talking!

Anyhoo, Paddy (we’re close like that) was fired up about Felt. I’m talking vein in the forehead and spittle at the corners of his mouth fired up!

“He’s a traitor!”

“He has no loyalty!”

Blah, blah, blah. When Lauer was interviewing him, his voice took on the high-pitched childlike quality of a young tree gnome! Fantabulous!

But, seriously. Paddy! Get some perspective! A bitch doesn’t even think you did time…for Watergate, at least.

ABB’s Breakdown of this Felt Shit
Felt was the #2 Dude at the FBI and was made aware of the criminal, very criminal, criminal any fucking way you look at it, actions of the Nixon White House.

Felt did not think he could address these actions through government channels, because the government was knee deep in the corruption.

(Note - Watergate history does hold that even the Attorney General…well, the first of the many Nixon Attorney Generals…was aware of illegal activities and did nothing. So, why call the cops if the cops are on the take?)

Felt, understanding that the corruption knew no limits, took the “media exposure” route and the rest is history.

Is this criminal? No. He exposed a criminal enterprise, and that was his fucking duty. Honestly, criminals should be better than this at identifying what is criminal.

Does this make Felt "not loyal"? This bitch thinks he was loyal as a motherfucker! To risk it all in an attempt to save this fucked up government from itself? Yeah, that’s loyal. Paddy’s just pissed that Felt was loyal to the institution of the Presidency and not the asshole that was President at the time.

Listening to Buchanan, it sounds like conservatives serve a different master. It’s sad to think that Felt gave us a government exposed for its illegal activities only to live just long enough to see most Nixonian tactics made legal through all that Homeland Security bullshit.

But that, chil’ren, is another post…

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

Okay, a bitch did notice the news that those crazy kids at the American Family Association have found another target. I was going to ignore it until a comment came across from dmfinney and…well…shit, a Sistah had to respond. Since dmfinney breaks this boycott bullshit down, I’ll move on to a broader topic.

Let’s take a look at the American Family Association, shall we?

When a bitch visits a new web site, I always approach it like I’m the target consumer. So, I cruised my bitchy black ass over and utilized the site as if I were a faithful bigot!

But a bitch ran into a problem!

Searching Endorsed Companies took me to their boycotts.

Searching Good Companies took me to their boycotts

Searching Okay Companies took me to their boycotts

And Searching Companies Okay to Visit took me to their boycotts.

A bitch was surprised that Wal-Mart wasn’t a default! How would a supporter know who is okay? Are they supposed to go through a process of elimination? That’s not helpful!

AFA might want to consider revising their site to be more helpful and less hateful. I mean, if you’re going to ask folks to avoid Kraft the least you can do is tell them where they should go for their Mac & Cheese!

A bitch really doesn’t like AFA, but now I’m mad on behalf of their supporters! How is a bigot supposed to get fed or buy a car! What if a bigot went out and spent money on a Jetta and then found out they were open and supportive of people and their differences? Come on AFA, this is the new era of bigotry; your people can’t just discriminate based on race. You’re asking them to be multi-layered bigots and that takes dedication and information.

Expand, motherfuckers! Offer options! But you can’t, can you. Because no major company wants to be associated with you. Because you are creepy and make people feel like bigots. And, deep down in the soul of all of us, we all value a cheap assed car more than “moral values”. It’s true! Take it as gospel, you shits!

So, get to it motherfuckers! Compile the "list" of who’s okay. Good luck with that, you no business owning, no industry creating ultra-critical fascist shits. And don’t start feeling good because Ford’s sales are down; that’s because they make shit gas-guzzlers and your Crusade is driving gas prices through the roof. Assholes!

Note – ABB has embraced the militant value of Kraft Mac & Cheese and plans to blow her Weight Watchers points on a box tonight!

Cheers!

Catching up and moving forward...

A bitch recovered from the drama of the weekend by having her Cabrio towed and then getting seriously drunk. What did I drink, you ask? Why Vodka Crans, of course! Oh, and I chain smoked. A lot. Needless to say the headache and dry-mouth were worth it this morning as I stumbled to the coffee maker and clicked on the telly.

But wait! Before I proceed, a bitch must make amends for not posting about Mayor West on yesterdays Today Show! My bad, chil’ren! Guess I’ll have to post twice today, ‘cause y’all know I’ve got issues with the show today.

But let’s catch up, shall we…?

Due to the recent assault on my vehicle, I was a wee bit distracted when Matt Lauer’s voice boomed out of the television yesterday morning. Fuck me if he didn’t announce that Mayor West of Spokane was live…fucking live, I tell you…and would be discussing his adoration for young, very young, extremely young and pretty, very pretty, extremely pretty and young boys.

A bitch freshened her java, lit a cig and settled down for some fun.

Clarification made necessary by the Newsweek “did they source it or didn’t they source it and who gives a shit, was the story correct” debacleABB does not use accurate or even semi-accurate quotes, therefore readers should assume that any quotes are incorrect and designed to reinforce ABB’s general resentment of closeted hypocritical anti-gay gay-to-the-core Republican politicians.

Lauer, legs folded at an artful angle and mysteriously reappearing hair fluffed to its maximum potential “Mayor West, thank you so much for coming to chat with us! Wow, it’s been quite a year! So, tell us all about your feelings about being exposed as a gay man after being so very anti-gay!”

West, shifty eyed and clearly medicated “This has been so hard on my family! Particularly my ex-wife!”

ABB, eyebrow cocked “Ex-wife? Jesus, not another one of these motherfuckers! I hope his ex-wife makes his life a living hell. She’s rid of him already. Spokane has to mount a fucking re-call to achieve that. You shit! You hypocritical “I want to get mine, but fuck you if you want to get yours on the up and up” peevish little shit!

Lauer, wetting his lips “Mayor, why did you say in an interview that you felt more allegations of child sex abuse would be coming?”

West, and I am not kidding he really said something like this “Because when something like this happens there seems to be a pile-on affect.”

Pile-on?

Yeah, I bet.

And did Matt Lauer just blush? Jesus, I love this show!

So, Spokane now gets to debate whether to recall or not.

A bitch thinks this is best understood through the philosophical logic of MasterCard.

Being exposed as a hypocritical anti-gay gay = Most likely will cost you your office and any future office!

Having your sex life exposed against the backdrop of a political jobs-for-sex scandal = Bad, but not original!

Being recalled for being gay by the same bigots who elected you for being anti-gay?

Priceless!