Friday, April 29, 2005

Falling off the wagon never felt so good.....

I woke with a start this morning. My allergies are on crack and my head is all stuffy. So, of course I popped some OTC meds. You know, to soooooothe and alleviate! Once they kicked in, I layered on a nice coat of coffee and watched the morning re-hash of the President’s press conference. Sorry y’all, but Animal Planet was too disturbing! I mean, a bitch has limits and watching folks be evil to dawgs is too much.

Jumping gleefully off the wagon, I settled down for some Katie, Matt & Al. Tim Russert gave the re-cap thang the good ole college try. But lets be honest, this President is generally boring as hell and short on the details.

ABB General Understanding of Shit Post Press Conference
Scooter (we’re close like that) plans to reduce benefits and put all our eggs in the mental asylum known as the Stock Market. In response to concerns that the Stock Market is about as stable as my Mom whacked out on Xanax in 1985, Scooter pointed out that soon to retire folks can just move all that money into….Bonds. Yep, Bonds! Would those be War Bonds, Scooter…?

Scooter on the war…
“All I know is that we’re winning!” Scooter proclaimed, as if saying it would make it so.

Scooter regarding the price of gas...
“I have an energy plan!” He throws out, hoping that no one will actually read it.

Scooter on the use of faith to condemn anyone who disagrees with the RNC...
“Faith is important to me.” Scooter stated with deep conviction. Honey, we know that; just look at all the votes that “faith” hustle rustled up for your ass!

You’ve got to love this shit! A bitch is thrilled with Scooter’s dwindling approval numbers. Honestly, in a few weeks all those faith voters will realize that Scooter isn’t God. Gasp! Nope, he’s just a dumb assed wanna be Texan fumbling his way through a second term.

On behalf of all the liberal angry bitter oppressed peoples who didn’t vote for this lame ass…we told you so!

Sigh. Thank goodness for Mrs. Michael Jackson fucking up the prosecution’s case by acting like M.J. was the second coming. Otherwise, this weekend’s news cycle would be a total bust.


Happy Friday!

Thursday, April 28, 2005

And a bitch thought quitting smoking was hard...

I began a bitchcott of the Today Show this morning. I attempted to watch GMA, but they’ve latched onto the multiple baby story and I just can’t take all that birth footage. So, I cruised on over to CNN.

Do y’all remember when CNN used to cover news? They used to be on top of the news with those fantastic 30-minute updates that actually updated a bitch on a story. I’m unsure when the change happened, but now they tend to superficially cover a story then engage in lackluster debates that are really just two pundits shouting at each other while reading through their talking points. Where’s Ted Turner’s crazy Bison loving ass when you need him?

So, there I was left to my own thoughts and an amazing cup of coffee thanks to the magic of Splenda.

As Soledad read off the morning news…
Why does Soledad O’Brian have to be so uptight? She’s not that much older than me, yet she comes across like she needs to take a shit. You know what I mean, that overly correct posture and tight lipped faced that generally indicates that a person is holding in a gas or desperate to shit. Let’s all hope she introduces fiber to her diet, because life is too short to live it as a self-righteous tight assed priss.

As a car outside honked over and over again…
When did the Ghetto Doorbell get invented? To whom do we credit this marvel of technology? Every morning some ass is outside honking for the slow assed bitch next door that is never ready even though this motherfucker is there precisely at 7:20am every single God-awful day. Is it too much for him to go and knock on the door? Can’t he call ahead and make sure a bitch is waiting for him? I know his ass has a cell phone; why doesn’t he use it? Sigh. One of these days I’m going to loose control, fling open the door and throw a bowl of Raisin Bran on that lazy multi-honking son of a bitch.

As CNN revealed that the President is giving a speech tonight…
Why does he have to sound so dumb? Can’t they work on that? I mean, I lived in Texas for over 8 years and people don’t sound like that there. Not even West Texas! Why does he have to deliver sentences like he’s taking a sobriety test? Words shouldn’t be a challenge! He’s won a second term and it’s time to shed the bullshit average man fa├žade and go ahead and be the preppy elite Andover/Yale/Harvard B. school grad that he really is. This current delivery is painful to hear. It’s worse if you watch too! With his eyes all narrowed and those red-rimmed nostrils flaring. Jesus! The President looks like a ‘80’s cokehead! And he sounds like a drunk! Fuck it. Sober him up and put some powder on his face, because I simply can’t listening to him verbally wade through mud and still not make an ounce of sense while looking like warmed over shit.

This bitchcott was an interesting exercise, but I kinda miss watching those Today Show kids. I’ll give it another try tomorrow with Animal Planet as a substitute!

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Thoughts and Observances......

Birth Video During a Bitch's Breakfast
Why? Why, why, why? Why did they have to show video of five babies being popped out that crazy surrogate woman's belly during my breakfast? Birthing and newly birthed babies are beautiful to those involved in the miracle of life (da Mother, da Father, da Surrogate, da Today Show). My ass was grossed out! I had just fixed up my Cheerios and was taking the first bite when that woman and her opened up belly came on my television screen. A bitch almost hurled fiber! NASTY! And not news. People, this was like watching a baby-producing machine as infant after infant was popped out of the largest stomach I've seen on television since I inadvertently stumbled into the 180lb tumor show on Discovery Health! That was traumatic. This was unnecessary. If I may be so bold as to make a suggestion, edit that shit and show it in the last hour of the show when people have finished eating. Five fucking babies coming out of one exhausted uterus! Why!?!

I'm not in need of re-education. Your ass is just wrong!
A few posts ago, I issued my thoughts on the tobacco-spitting incident with Jane Fonda. This shit was nasty and a biohazard. More importantly, this is my fucking blog and I control who is called out to be killed in this house. Got it? So, I removed a certain incoherent comment. Honey, next time you question a bitch's "edumacation" fucking take the time to spell check. I had to read your shit twice just to translate it and my ass has translated Latin to English with less effort! Dear mystery conservative, I am a black woman, just in case you didn't know, and I will not tolerate "hanging" references in comments on my blog. Shooting, stabbing and general violence, but no fucking "hang 'em high" red-neck rally cry for the longed for old South bullshit! If your ignorant ass needs to think about that then I recommend that you google "lynching" or call up a family member and fucking chat about the good ole days. No one is "fit for a hanging" until I fucking say so! You here me?!?

Get a Blog, Bitch! They's Cheap!
I now believe that there is an undercover army of RNC operatives who roam from blog to blog looking for liberal postings. They approach them much like Mao did the intellectuals back in the day. Is this your shadow governmental attempt to re-educate a bitch? I certainly hope not, because that is a true waste of time. For the record, ABB is a third generation bad assed radical low 'fro militant liberal for a reason bitch. Get your ass a blog, learn to spell and write worth a damn and stop dropping incoherent pseudo-racist lynching comments on my site! Hold it! Step your ass away from the computer! I said back away, bitch! Go to google and get your ass your own blog and link to "your people"!

Public Relations Just isn’t what is used to be...
This morning the first 30 minutes of the Today Show contained an interview with the current White House Public Relations 'ho. I'm a big fan of 70's cults and my favorites are the Peoples Temple featuring Jim Jones and the Moon folks featuring Reverend Moon. I love watching interviews with their followers because they never answered the questions asked; rather they went on and on about how great their leaders are and how happy they are. This looks easy, but try it sometime. It's a challenge to the non-cultist. So, Miss PeoplesTempleJonesMoon was asked how she felt about polls and she launched right in about how "the people" support Bush and Democrats have no plan. Lauer teetered on the cusp of being an actual journalist when he danced around the obvious disconnect between the polls (60% of us think this plan is shit) and Miss PeoplesTempleJonesMoon's neo-con rhetoric (Father JonesMoon...I mean Bush is a good person, he is surrounded by light, he is the second coming!).

There was a time when Public Relations was so masterful that it had a bitch popping Tylenol within a year of a major product tampering. In the golden age of P.R., Vanessa Williams went from a de-crowned kinky freak to a multi-platinum selling artist in under a decade! Now, we have dumb assed cult bitches like Miss PeoplesTempleJonesMoon. Public Relations just isn't what it used to be...

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

A Bitch took a day off.....

I took Monday off with the sincere hope that I would be able to take care of some bit-ness. Well, suffice it to say my day was spent running around like a crazy person and burning through a tank of expensive assed gas! Add to that the fact that my hormones are crazy and....well....my mood is basically ripe today. So, you can imagine how the news that some bad assed child in Florida got her ass arrested for pitching a fit was received.

The Incident
A bad assed child in Florida pitched a fit a month ago. It was tapped, hence the media feeding frenzy. The taping was done in the attempt to instruct other teachers on how to handle crazy assed kids in the classroom. The child, we'll call her Keisha, began her fit by stomping her feet and screaming. This escalated into a full fledged ass showing that included 1) the tearing down of papers from the wall, 2) the aggressive hitting of not 1 but 2 teachers, 3) roaming the halls like a rampaging elephant and 4) the subsequent arrest of Keisha.

The Media's Spin
Both GMA and the Today Show have latched on to this story like a starving infant to a wet tit. The spin is basically the same - how on earth does the system justify handcuffing a 5 year old kindergarten student? The story was given some oxygen this morning with a taped interview of the Keisha's momma, who heaped a pile of blame on the teacher (My baby doesn't like that bitch and I told them not to put her in the room with her no more!) and the complete refusal to understand the scope of the situation (They told me that I was causing a disturbance when I came to the school and saw my baby in the police car! What my baby do that got her in that car? They should have left her alone!).

ABB's Personal Take on this Shit
What the fuck? I am so tired of parents acting like school is a substitute for them having to raise their fucking kids! I saw the tape. I saw Keisha's ass jump onto furniture and tear apart a ton of paper. Her eyes were red with anger, people! And she probably learned an important lesson by having her ass dragged into a police car, because that's what the man does to irate people when you are grown! Try that shit in the mall at the age of 30, bitch! I have boiled this shit down into some basic truths.
  1. Keisha. You do not have the right to have a full fledged fucking fit in school! Get your ass some therapy or meds or both. What is wrong with your ass? School is for learning, lil'bitch! And your fit is denying normal kids their right to get educated, go to college and get far, far away from crazy assed people like you!
  2. Keisha's Momma. Your child is a bad assed kid! You clearly know this, because you admitted that your kid "had beef" with a teacher. What the fuck is the world coming to when a fucking child can have an ongoing beef with a teacher, anyway? Okay, I admit that I had a few issues with some of my teachers too. But my ass never negotiated a restraining order via my mother against them! I just quietly hated their ass and dreamed of their eventual demise!
  3. Misguided Media Bitches. Please take notes. The school should have called an ambulance and had that bad assed child drugged. Keisha had become a danger to herself and others and needed to be taken down! Remove that shocked and appalled look from your face - if Dakota Fanning did that shit on the set during an interview you'd have her ass forcibly restrained! And you fucking know I'm right about that!
  4. Spun-assed Public. Knee jerk social worker responses to this shit do not apply. This was a spoiled assed kid acting out for the camera and taking advantage of her knowledge that the system did not allow the teacher to give her the whoop ass she truly deserved! A simple pop to the ass would have ended this incident without police involvement! I know that some of y'all don't believe in spankings, but view the tape and put yourself in that classroom. Be honest now! Yep, an ass whooping would have been in order real fast.

I can't stand spoiled assed misbehaving children. And I really can't stand them taking up media space with tons of bullshit. This is not news - bad assed black children in South African school girl uniforms show out and pitch fits in school all the time. Why do you think it's so hard to recruit teachers? ABB just hopes that Miss Keisha remembers the feel of that squad car and those cuffs the next time she's compelled to act a fool. Bad assed lil'bitch is in need of some serious rearing!

Friday, April 22, 2005

By Request.....The Bitch War Recap.......

For those of you who missed the Bitch War battle royale (Oprah's 4/21/05 episode featuring Cojo's payback), here's the play-by-play ABB style.....

Preparation - To truly understand the subtle nature of Oprah's fighting style, you must take yourself into a Dangerous Liaison frame of mind. Think "cruelty" with a dash of "WAR!!".

It opened with a montage of Cojo doing his thing on the red carpet. Lots of celebrity fashion and perfectly white smiles. Cojo has built his career on hard work and the ability to break down celebrity style but still keep friends. He's living the American dream with multiple cars (love the 'cedes, honey) and a house in the hills. Sigh. We're happy for him and hoping to see more of him through his new gig on the Today Show, when......Da, Da, Dah!! A routine trip to the doctor results in a diagnosis of impending kidney failure (yesterdays reference to the fucked up liver was incorrect. My bad.).

We then see Cojo struggle to find meaning in his life as he contemplates dialysis and having to leave his job! But, wait.......! A kidney is found! Cojo's self-sacrificing friend offers up her kidney (personally, ABB's saving her extra for family and/or a generous cash reward) - so it's off to the hospital for surgery and blah, blah, blah.

Really, who cares? Get to the good shit! Get to the WAR!

On comes Cojo wearing a suit (WHAT?), perfect hair, immaculate brows (that BITCH!) and Lagerfeld Pink #2 with Chanel Berry liner. Whatever.....a bitch knows her lip-fashion, okay?!? Anyhoo, he sits with legs folded at a perfect angle.

Oprah "Okay, so I've got to ask you about this firing rumor. When my assistant (see overworked slave to media Diva who has learned to love the pain and work on less than four hours sleep) told me about this, my first reaction was to not believe it. (With noble high honor) I've learned not to believe everything I read in print, because I've been lied on too many times! So what's the truth?"

Cojo " Honey, it's true! (Gasp heard 'round the WORLD) I was fired. I was shocked! I had received flowers from Katie, Matt and Al with the expressed hope for my full recovery. I thought I had bonded well over my four fucking years at the Today Show. But, nooooooo! They're all a bunch of hyper-competitive BITCHES! I mean, really Oprah! I was booked for the Today Show first. Then I had surgery. I was laying on my bed in EXCRUCIATING PAIN less than three weeks after having a fucking kidney transplanted from my self-sacrificing friend and here's the producer (see evil minion of Katie sent to do the devil's work) calls and goes the fuck off on me."

ABB replay of producer conversation that resuted in sacking of Cojo.

Producer "Bitch! You have lost your fucking mind! I just spent four hours listening to Katie "I built this show back up from nothing after you fucked it up with Deborah Norville" Couric going off because she heard you booked Oprah first to talk about your kidney! What the fuck? Have you no loyalty?"

Cojo in a small feeble voice "What? Ummmm, I'm on a lot of meds right now? I don't understand? I'm booked to go on Today first......."

Producer totally ignoring Cojo "Well, if you think I'm going to let you fuck us over, you've got another thing coming! I don't care if your skinny ass is in recovery! And, yes, I told your mother to go fuck herself! Screening phone calls for your feeble ass! You are fired! Do you hear me, bitch? Fired! Don't show your sick ass up here either. We'll ship your shit UPS ground. Bitch!".

Back to Oprah.....

Oprah with shock and horror etched on her face (note - Katie was capable of this look three years ago, but Botox has taken the ability to look shocked from her entirely) "Cojo, I am disappointed! I am shocked! If I had known I would have told you NOT to show up on my show! This is just a show! It's not worth it!!"

.......the knife goes in slowly, piercing the flesh of Katie's withered back.....sinking in with the elegance of a sword coupled with the distinctive slow rising pain of a dull butter knife.......In New York, watching in a dark room madly sobbing and screaming at the television "I hope you die! I hope you die!", Katie moves on to her third pint of Ben & Jerry's after randomly slapping her daughter for moving in on the ice-cream.......

Return to Oprah.

Cojo, eager to finish off the kill but enjoying himself to the max "Oprah, you now I've always admired you! I wouldn't miss this opportunity to speak to a larger audience (see Today show sinking ratings) about organ donation! I've survived a kidney transplant! Bring it on! I can survive......(pause)......(delay for dramatic affect)....ANYTHING!"

.....the knife is in securely now and death is near......Katie, having beaten her children senseless, moves on to the bucket of fried chicken her minion has procured.....screaming madly at the television "I hate you! I hate you! Die! Die! Die!"....she collapses.....hearing the sound of breaking furniture, the medics move in and rescue the children.....Katie remains, hair spiked and littered with Cherry Garcia mixed with chicken fat, face bloated with tears, body splayed out and sickly distorted.......the medics turn to go, exchanging hard looks that say "I always preferred Jane Pauley to that evil assed bitch"....

Back at the Oprah Show....

Oprah "You look fantastic and everyone loves you. Fuck that 'ho! You are so getting a show on my network, Oxygen! Thank you for coming on and allowing me to publicly fillet Katie and the whole Today Show team while still appearing gracious and above it all!"

Cojo, with school girl smile "No, thank YOU Oprah, for being a decent person and human. I adore you and look forward to getting huge ratings on your network!"

......with a HUGE FART, Katie passes on into oblivion muttering "Live for Today!" "Live for Today!" "I've got a clean colon..........MOTHERFUCKERS, I've got a clean colon!".........

Oprah, later in her dressing room with Stedman massaging her corns "I always knew that I was meant to avenge my sex and dominate yours."

Thursday, April 21, 2005

Behold, the Bitch War cometh.......!

I learned at a very young age that there are certain people you do not fuck with. Powerful, connected, friend having, well dressed fashionistah Queens are at the top of that list. Along with 7 foot tall drag Queens fixing their make-up in the only mirror in the only bathroom in the club at 3am (Lesson - learn to hold your pee! LEARN!). But I digress.....thank the television gods that Katie Couric doesn't have an ounce of common sense! I am so excited I can hardly STAND it!!

Background - Steven Cojocuru was a regular on the Today Show, dishing about the stars and their clothes. He had to have a transplant to save his life (DRAMA) and Katie made a HUGE fuss about caring and shit. A liver is found and transplanted in the fabulous Cojo just in time to save his ass. Cojo recovers. Oprah calls. Cojo says yes to an interview (hello! Are you crazy? Of course he said yes!). Cojo does interview. Katie fumes because she's convinced herself that she and Oprah are rivals (as if?!?). Katie pitches a fit. Producer fires Cojo. Cojo vents to the press. Katie looks like the selfish evil bitch she is. Ratings slump. Producer gets fired for having no control over Katie. Oprah calls. Cojo says yes (Hello? Turn down the opportunity to fuck Katie over on National t.v.? I THINK NOT!).

So, tonight this bitch gets to settle in for an old fashioned bitch session featuring Oprah chatting it up with Steven Cojocuru.

This is devine!

The pre-interview commercials are fan-fucking-tastic, too. And they aired during the Today Show this morning! Can it get any better?

Yes....it can!!

Oprah to Cojo "They fired you WHERE?" mouth open and perfectly lashed eyes wide with shock and horror.....

Cojo, not saying anything because this is a commmercial and it's all about building up the dramatic anticipation, keeps his face stern and fixes a look of extreme disappointment onto his perfectly foundationed and Lagerfeld Pink #2 lipsticked face. Perfect!

Oprah to Cojo "I was SHOCKED when I found out what happened to you after my show....."

Cojo, ever the show stopper, looks down (notice the perfection in the lash application), then up and to the left (child, you know you're not going to cry and FUCK UP that makeup!), then down again (perfect lashes resting softly against his check)!

Katie, your ass is in TROUBLE!!! Ohhh, girl you are in for some SHIT today (snort)!

And I intend to savor every single devine morsel of this perfectly timed execution of a televised BITCH slap from a true media Diva (Oprah) to the wanna-be who had the audacity to think she was even in the same league and should have taken that "booking loss" on the chin, 'cause now girlfriend is gonna hurt yo' ass!

Oh!

Oh, oh my GOD!

Jesus, the wait is killing me! I simply must distract myself. I know.......event plannning!

ABB's Plan to Maximize the Joy of the Battle of the Bitches (brought to her through the magic of TiVo)

(1) Wal-atin (Walgreens brand of Claritin), 2 Sudafed, (1) bottle of cheap-assed Champagne, strawberries and low fat whipped cream (calories, calories!).

Put dogs out to pee and throw them both unnecessary Milk Bones to shut their asses up. Turn off cell phone. ABB will be wearing 15 year old flannel, socks, no bra (PLEASE!) and a tiny little bitchy smile created through the brilliant marketing of Oprah and a deep rooted hatred of Katie Couric.

Enjoy, my darlings! This bitch certainly plans to Live For Today this evening.......

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

A moment of clarity PLEASE!

Okay, let's all take a deep breath. Hold it........And release! Now, say along with ABB......

"The Whole World Has Lost It's Fucking Mind!"!

Ahhh, let the healing begin!

I stumbled across this shit while waiting for an invoice to print. Now, as the grand daughter, daughter, niece and cousin of Veterans and service men and women (let's hear it for the girls!) I'm pretty supportive of Veteran's rights even when I don't support the war. Actually, one of the reasons I adore Jane Fonda is that her opposition to the Vietnam War was not directed towards individual soldiers but rather towards McNamara and his nasty little theoretical exercise, otherwise known as Viet-fucking-nam.

As a Missourian, my heart sank to read that we have sunk so deep into the belly of Red-State-dom that natives would chew tobacco just to spit it into the face of Jane Fonda. It gets better.....this asshole doesn't even chew tobacco; he chewed it just to spit it on Ms. Barbarella! Now come on people! Get a fucking grip! We've moved on to bomb at least four additional third world countries and you're still pissed off enough to spit in a woman's face! Okay....I'll accept that you may be fired-up enough to feel compelled to spit. Here are some tobacco worthy faces you should hunt down instead of the fantabulous Ms. Fonda.

Motherfuckers More Worthy of Tobacco Spit Than Jane Fonda
  1. Robert S. McNamara, Former Secretary of Defense and architect of the Vietnam War. Hey Scooter! Grab the packet of chew and hunt this asshole down. See, he actually came up with the War, mis-led Congress to fund it and then lied to two Presidents to cover up his MASSIVE fuck up. Feeling pissed? He's your guy.
  2. The French, known for fierce colonial enforcement of Frenchness. Can't find McNamara? Catch a plane to Paris! See, the French were knee deep in Vietnam (then Indochina) long before we dove in. They managed to rile up the locals and oppress them into a pro-Communist state, thus laying the groundwork for the pissed off motherfucker who took a shot at your ass in '67. Okay, so they abandoned the joint before it all went to shit......they still played a large part in destabilizing the region and pissing folks off. Spit away! Just don't hit the pastries.
  3. Lyndon B. Johnson. I know he's dead, but Lady Bird still lives. She's been defending him for years and that kind of loyalty basically makes her spit worthy. I mean, if you're going to be pissed at Fonda after 37 years, what's to keep you from spitting on a 98-year-old former First Lady? Don't store up too much juice and only spit once. Jesus, she's old okay! But her huuuuusband looked reality in the eye and told it to go fuck itself, thus tumbling the Nation into the shit spiral now reflected on The Wall. Be careful.....ladies are fully armed in Texas. And mind that you don't get spit on any Beagles.

I'm sorry that you were drafted and shipped off to fight a meaningless war for a bunch of money hungry pseudo-intellectuals whose real agenda was to grow the military industrial complex. But get your ass under control! Do as I do......be pissed at the government and the dumbassed average citizens who vote their bible rather than their conscience. And you'd better pray your dumb ass never tries to spit on me.....

Politics, glamour and the new Pope......

Last night the divine Miz Thurman and I took on the town, crashing the Mayor's Inaugural Ball with style and super-fantastic flair! Okay, it wasn't the party of the year but we did score a picture with Hiz-honor, which Miz Thurman has promised to post. Hanging with the political heavy hitters of St. Louis (yes, we have them) was fascinating. Think lots of tan uber-powerful men in snazzy grey or black suits and power ties. And an Angry Black Bitch sipping overly warm wine and fluttering about the room. You've got to love it! The highlight of the evening was the consumption of Ted Drewes frozen custard hot-fudge sundaes - mmmmmm, points be damned!

But this morning the glow of a fun night politicking wore off as the reality of a huge Catholic fuck up hit me. A bitch can't help but be shocked and dismayed by the election of Pope Benedict the Fascist. Y'all know I'm not a forgiving bitch, and I can't believe that the best dude for the job was the Red Hat with a Hitler Youth badge in his dark murky past. What the fuck!

ABB's take on this recent Papal bullshit
  1. Although the current media accepted myth is that the new Pope was "forced" into the Hitler Youth and the Nazi Army or Airforce or whatever, I have my doubts. Forced my ass! The new Pontiff was then a young German in seminary who chose to adhere to the status quo rather than be Christ-like and stand on his morals. So, do you want a leader who will cave to the political whims of a Fascist God-less dictator like the Pontiff did during WWII? Hasn't the Catholic Church had enough of that bullshit? ABB rule to live by - Hitler Youth membership and former Nazi military records rule your ass out as the leader of "the Faithful". Sorry, but this one should have gone to the Brotha from Nigeria!
  2. Fascist behavior Post Nazi affiliation. The new Pope has rattled off anti-woman and anti-gay rhetoric like....well.....a Fascist! Saying shit like "Gays should expect violence if they continue to press for rights and protection" and "Women should accept their role and stay home and raise children rather than aspire to the Priesthood" doesn't help at all to diminish the stain of Fascism that is upon you. Way to reconcile and unite, asshole!
  3. I'm pissed at the Anti-Defamation League for issuing a statement defending the new Pope for his past fascist affiliation. Yes, he has atoned for his part in the whole sick mess that was Nazi Germany. But the ADL needs to remember that the Nazi death machine also targeted Catholic Poles, gays and lesbians and many others. So, when the Pontiff rationalizes the brutalization of gays in the modern world he's telling your ass he doesn't fucking get it! Maybe he's only sorry for being a member of an organization that killed Jews, but not sorry for the death of gays and lesbians? What about the Jewish gays and lesbians - is the new Pontiff 50% sorry.....75% regretful? Or maybe he's about to atone for being a sell-out little shit who left seminary only to join an organization that relished the forced labor of......well....fucking Polish Catholics. Makes a bitch sick to her stomach!

I was privileged to attend a college built on the hope and promise of post-WWII America. Although not a religious school, most students were Jewish; in fact, Brandeis was founded in large part because the Ivy League schools would not accept Jewish students. It's named after the first Jewish Supreme Court Justice. Go Judges! Some of my teachers were Survivors and it was an honor to learn from their oral history. And some of what I learned was that there was a lot of dirt beneath the WWII myth; the Catholic Church turned a blind eye to atrocities and the world chose to ignore rather than act. We should never forget. Nor should we validate or rationalize actions taken 60 years ago or turn a blind eye to the judgmental hate in the rhetoric of today.

ABB is disgusted and dismayed. And my ass is also enlightened. Thanks for clarifying your position, College of Cardinals. Way to fucking go!

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

OPKs and Grown People's Spaces

Okay, I've had other people's kids (OPKs) on my mind since watching last Sunday's 60 Minutes. They featured a segment in which some parents allowed their kids and their kid's friends to drink at their house even though they are underage. This was followed by a boring assed Today Show segment on Monday dealing with parents and how they need to communicate with their chil'rens. So a bitch is pondering parenting and why it keeps jumping up on my television.

I don't have kids, but if I did I wouldn't want anyone telling me what to do with them. Since I don't have chil'rens, I'm annoyed that OPKs are a factor in my childless life.

Issue #1 - Media
Why come the federal government is trying to regulate Satellite and Cable programming because some lazy parents don't want to monitor what their kids watch? Why is this my problem? If you choose to have chil'rens then you choose to take on all the watching and monitoring of what they consume. ABB chooses to watch programs with lots of sex and violence. If you don't like it, don't get Cable or a Dish! If you have chil'rens and Cable, call the fucking cable company and tell them that you have uncontrollable chil'rens so they need to block out the porn.

Or don't. I mean, I was watching 9 1/2 Weeks in gradeschool and look how I turned out!

Either way, this is a parenting issue. Isn't it enough that Billy Graham airs on CBS? Aren't you happy now? Back off my porn and violence! The four major broadcast channels have shown a true dedication to boring assed family friendly sterilized programming just for you and your chil'rens. So, TiVo 7th Heaven and back the fuck off Cinemax! One viewers decency is another viewers boring assed Sunday night! And trust me, you do not want to see what happens when my ass is bored! You will be personally responsible for the massive use of pharmaceuticals and Vodka! That's right.....all your fault, my family producing friend!

And one more thing - can we have a discussion about priorities here? Balance the budget, end the war, clean up the tax code and cure cancer. Take care of the shit that is really plaguing the country then maybe you can move on to television. And I really don't think Tom DeLay is in an ethical position to judge what is decent or not. Hmmmm. Y'all might want to take care of that sleazy motherfucker too - otherwise young Mitzi and Tommy might think pilfering tax payer money to fund their spouses new face lift and the family trip to Moscow is.....well....moral and ethical. So maybe the feds should clean up the morally bankrupt in their House before they take on the rest of America. Confused assed censoring assholes!

Issue #2 Grown People's Spaces

Recently, I was having lunch with a friend. It was a really nice day and we were on the patio at a local restaurant in the city. This was what I like to call a "grown people's space"; there was nothing on the menu that chil'rens eat, smoking was happening all over and....well... it was in the city and y'all parents should leave the city to grown people! Anyhoo, he said something crazy so I said in my loud assed voice "You crazy motherfucker!!".

Bitch, don't turn around and look at me hard like I slapped your kid! I curse all the time! This was a grown people's space! And, if your child hasn't heard "motherfucker" yet it's about fucking time!

Words are words and I don't subscribe to the puritanical interpretation of the English language that says "Bitch" is a bad word but "War", "Genocide" and "Murder" are fine. Get a fucking grip. And, yes I'm an educated person; sorry to break your heart, but four years of a pretentious elite liberal arts education has resulted in a vast vocabulary of curse words a profanity for this Angry Black Bitch. So, if you're thinking of sending Mitzi to New England, get ready for her ass to start cursing like a native.

But I digress......Is nothing sacred! Why can't parents just stick to McDonald's and the burbs? All I wanted was to be able to discuss the impact of pending legislation on the availability of vibrators in the city. Is that so wrong?

So please keep your sheltered ass kids home if they don't already know what a vibrator is! And stay way from my grown people's shit! If everyone just stays on their side of the playground no one will get hurt.

You get your sprawl and Eddie Bauer lifestyle and I get a grown people's space with no OPK's dipping in on my grown people's conversations about government, Cinemax and the future of St. Louis sex shops!

Monday, April 18, 2005

Queen of the White-girl Sassy Bobs.......

I was just confronted by the realization that Michael Jackson may go to jail. Really, it just hit me! I'm sitting at my desk popping Sudafed because the fucking pollen has decided to spawn all over this cursed city and.....FUCK ME..... Michael may go to the Big House!

Things will change, but the central question no one is talking about is......who will take over the thrown as Queen of the White-Girl Sassy Bobs?

Since evolving from the Afro through the Curl into the present day white-girl sassy bob, Michael has been on top of his shit hair-wise. I mean, the man's hair was maintained even after he burned half of it off! But nothing compares to the present day white girl sassy-bob. Sistahs will understand immediately. See, "white-girl" hair is the pinnacle of "the process" (see Black hair care products) - when it moves and shakes and you can fuckin' flip it like....well.....a white-girl. This takes time, dedication and a stylist on call! What will become of Michael's white-girl sassy bob if he goes to jail? Who will take the mantle of the unnaturally straight and long Black person's hair?

Whitney has a tired-ass weave and, when in rehab, a poorly matched crack 'ho-ish wig. Janet.....where to start? How can a Black woman with more money than God have a "noticeable" weave? It's gotten better lately, but the verdict is still out. Jada....I just don't know - it was too long to be real in Collateral, wasn't it. And it has to be real or appear real or at least be a length grow-able within 6 months, doesn't it? Jada's shit is tight, but not entirely believable.

Yes, chil'rens......I'm afraid it's true.

When Michael goes to jail.......Oprah will take the thrown as Queen of the white-girl sassy bobs.

Flip it girl!

Flip it like you was born with it!!

And all this before my second cup of coffee.......

A bitch woke up before the alarm today. Shuffling to the kitchen, I quickly made a perfect cup of coffee with 1% milk and Splenda (calories, calories!), grabbed 2 Excedrin, popped 2 Sudafed and dropped two eye drops per eye to make that grit go away........

Then I settled down for some morning television.

Today Show Offerings
Michael Jackson's Accuser's Momma's Welfare Fraud
It seems that the Accuser's Momma claimed not to own shit even though she had just hustled over $100,000 from JCPenney in a bullshit lawsuit.

ABB observation - If everyone who committed welfare fraud in Los Angeles were excluded from testifying in a trial, the criminal justice system would go out of bit-ness. Fraud goes with Welfare like Flies go with Shit. Get over it, people! And someone tell Katie that if her ass goes one more shade lighter on the highlights her hair will dis-a-fucking-pear. Tacky 'ho. And what's with the Janet Jackson Rhythm Nation button having outfit? Katie pleeeeeeease! A sistah doesn't need to be confronted with that shit in the morning! Made my eyes hurt.

Plastic Surgery Nightmare
Some Latina with an unfortunate dye job (think Elvira) went to some plastic surgeon who "Possessed all the things that would lead someone to think he's a doctor". Meaning his ass had some photo's of celebrities on the wall, nice couches and a green lab coat. It turns out that his brother was the doctor, but the dude went ahead and performed surgeries anyhoo. Children, this is Darwinian. If your ass is dumb enough to go to a plastic surgeon without checking his ass out to see if he is certified, you deserve the fucked up cottage cheese looking stomach you end up with! Shit, your ass is lucky to be alive!

ABB observation - One should look for a surgeon with the same care one takes in choosing shoes. You would never buy the first pair you liked, would you? So why is your dumb ass selecting a surgeon because he hired a decorator for his office and owns a green lab coat? Dumb lumpy stomach having 'ho!

Cruise from Hell
So, these people are on a cruise and it gets hit with a 7 story wave that floods the cabins and wrecks the boat.

ABB observation - Is this news? Why is your ass on a cruise anyway? After all those food poisonings, you won't see this Black Bitch on a cruise unless I get sentenced to one. And why are you looking shocked that a fucking boat got hit by a wave on the ocean? The wave belonged there; it was your tan seeking ass that was out of place! Stick to land or suffer the consequences! Crazy motherfuckers.

Moment of joy brought on by unfortunate media placement....
Why did a Royal Caribbean commercial come on immediately after the Cruise from Hell segment? Why? And why did that simple media placement fuck-up bring me so much joy? My ass literally snorted java!

ABB Thinking Fondly of Sunday Morning television Before Hitting the Shower to begin Monday......
On a serious note, ABB would like to express her sincere gratitude to Tom DeLay and all his Republican homeboys for providing one of the best Sunday morning corruption scandal stories since Halliburton's $100 per cheeseburger overcharge incident post non-competitive bid win!

Hey Tom!?! A Bitch needs a vacation! Hows about I rustle up some votes for your ass and you book the Congressional plan to Tahiti?

Fuck me, I love democracy in action!

I was able to enjoy your ritualized media beating from Meet the Press all the way into Wolf Blitzer. Thank you, Tom. Don't you dare change. This shit should satisfy the bitch in me well into the mid-term elections!

Friday, April 15, 2005

Bitchfirmations

I am a Feministah; a true blend of old school feminist and Sistah. Since tonight is Venus Envy (come one and come all to see my ultra-fabulous dred-headed sister perform some 'Gina Monologues), my thoughts have turned to the state of feminism in America. Conclusion - most women are confused as hell and messed up in the head.

With songs featuring shout outs to all the "Baby's Mommas" and re-touched print images that feature unnaturally thin Amazons, women are simply fucked in the head. Everyday I come in contact with some chic who's messed up about herself and seeking a consultation from an Angry Black Bitch. It's amazing, because my truth often stings; obviously these people find pleasure in the pain. Sigh. All I can do is wonder at the lack of self esteem, bitch power and fierce defiance in most of my fellow females.

How do I stay so on top of my shit? I'm glad you asked! At least once a day I indulge in a moment of bitchfirmations. Affirmations are too A.A. for me, so I've modified the theory to fit into...well......a bitch's lifestyle, so to speak.

In an effort to uplift woman-kind I will divulge a few of my favorites.....

Bitchfirmations of an Angry Black Bitch

When I look in the mirror before leaving for work.....
Damn! You look fine! Even with that extra weight around the middle, bitch you look good! Lift your head up, throw your shoulders back and walk bitch! Walk!

When I'm about to go into a meeting of bitter back stabbing ho's (my Black women's group meetings)
Girl, please! You know these bitches all want to be you. Can you blame them for being envious hating ho's? Remember - you are the shit, you are too together for words and smaller minded people just can't handle that shit! Breath in. Check the lipstick (bless you, oh God of M.A.C.) and walk bitch! Walk!

When dealing with a moment of hormonally driven uncertainty.....
What the fuck is your problem?! This shit happens every month and you do the same fucking thing each time; sit on the couch watching Forensic Files and dreaming of caramel ice cream while trying not to cry at nothing in particular. Pull your ass together, bitch! Now repeat after me.....I am the shit, ice-cream is a "sometimes food" and this cursed shit will all be over in another 48 hours. Now change the channel to E!, drink two glasses of water and fucking chill bitch! Chill!

Carpe Bitchdom!

I'll see y'all at Venus Envy.....where all the cool boys and girls gather to get their Envy on!

Thursday, April 14, 2005

Religiosity and the modern bitch.....

Billy Graham was on CBS again this week. He was in rare form and had musical guests and a stage show of sorts. I had managed to drink him off my mind, but today when scrolling through the web was confronted with yet more religiosity. Conservatives are having a National Day of Truth to counter the LGBT student led National Day of Silence. The National Day of Silence is done to mark the silencing of LGBT youth in schools by homophobic oppression.

All this counter propaganda makes me sick. It reeks of the corruption of power and just isn't very cool. I remember when Christians were the nice kids who always gave me some of their Fruit Rollups at lunch. These Modern Christians (at least the loud microphone holding ones) are angry judgmental vengeful people who have taken on the superior attitude of ...well...Fascists. They've corrupted the brand, so to speak.

I am not a "person of faith". I'm not a "value voter". I'm just a bitch trying to find her way in the modern world.

Hey Billy Graham, what do you have in your back of tricks for me?

Graham "God is challenging you to be a better person and to live in His will!"

ABB "Look, I need more specifics than that religious rhetoric provides. What the fuck does "live in his will" mean? Speak English! Aren't you from West Virginia? It's the law now. So cut the sound bites, drop that "equally yoked" crap and tell it like it is".

Graham with a sigh "I am only an instrument of God. I don't know........"

ABB angrily interrupts "What the fuck does that mean!!?!? Listen, I don't go to church because I find it a bastion of hypocrisy. I can't stomach ministers speaking of sacrifice and humility while sporting $500 suits and driving $75,000 cars. And I really don't think a fellow messed up person is in the moral position to judge me or who I sleep with or how I do it. I've read the bible in English and Latin, motherfucker, and it does not contain a rating system for sin. So, what the fuck?".

Graham "You know what, you're right. I can't stand these people either. I'm trying to get out of my contract so I can get right with God before my days end. Thank you, Angry Black Bitch! Thank you for showing me the light !! These people have corrupted me and now I am free! I's free!!".

ABB "Your work is not done, my son. Go forth and preach the gospel of individual responsibility and human decency!" Thunderbolts crash and torrential rains pour! ABB raises her wooden staff above her head and shouts to the clouds.....

Hold it.

My bad.

I've got to stop mixing Sudafed with Benadryl and Vodka Crans while watching televised religion. It's enough to give a bitch a Moses complex in place of a hangover.....

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

Uteruses R Us.......

It's a mad, mad, mad, mad world........

Rent-A-Uterus
Okay, this crazy bitch decides to become a surrogate for some unfortunate couple who has been trying to have a baby for 9 years. 9 freakin years! Adopt, for the love of God! I don't understand this shit. I'm not at all maternal - my dog Betsey is as close as I plan to come to motherhood and her ass gets on my nerves regularly. But why rent a uterus? And who rents out their fucking uterus anyway? This chick wanted to earn some extra cash, so she agrees to carry a child to term. In a sick twist of fate, she gets knocked up with a full litter - five fucking babies are now growing and feeding off of her body systems. Nasty! Nasty, nasty, nasty! Just the thought of five things moving around down there makes me freak the fuck out! Now here's the kicker.......she's not going to take the money because she feels bad that the egg donor and her huuuusband are going to be stuck trying to raise 5 fucking babies!

What the FUCK?!?! Thank goodness Katie and the Today Show team was there to donate a cart of baby shit from Target. That should come in real handy! ABB wishes women would grab hold of reality; embrace the fact that they weren't meant to have biological children and fucking adopt. There are plenty of nappy-headed chil'rens waiting for your ass. Jesus!

Baby Spears
Does the world really need another redneck? Britt......honey.....why are you trying to have this man's baby? Did you forget how you got his ass in the first place? Allow me to refresh your memory! His first baby's Momma was knocked up with her second child - swollen, bloated, heavy and producing stretch marks like Ford made cars in 1920. Her ass wasn't giving him any and was probably bitchy to boot. While she was elevating her swollen assed feet you flashed that unnaturally white smile and wiggled that cellulite free ass and took her man! Hello! This shit ring a fucking bell!!

Honey, you married a motherfucker who clearly will leave a bitch pregnant. And you can bet there is a long line of money hungry ho's dreaming of cashing in on your alimony checks! Whatever, bitch! And of course he wanted a baby. He's flipped the ghetto gender switch on you, girl! Now that you're bound by blood you will never get rid of his ass! Tattoos can be removed, but a baby's Daddy is a lifetime regret.

So congrats to the new class of future parents! ABB's going to settle down and watch this E! True Hollywood Story work itself out. Think about it as the red-necked version of Bobby and Whitney. Brittany's a year away from the beginning of her cocaine addiction phase......Sorry assed, crazy, barefoot-walking-into-gas station bathrooms, ghetto wedding having, no talent demonstrating, about to get big as a house red-necked bitch!

Lord have mercy!

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

Breaking News - West Virginia Votes to Make English the Official State Language

The Official Language of the State of West Virginia is now English.

From the ABB International Post
Desperate West Virginians are jamming the Hooked on Phonics web-site and 1 (800) number as the realization that few West Virginians actually speak English sinks in. Fear and panic has swept the state and crisis hotlines are stretched beyond capacity as thousands take to the hills for fear of a "proper" speaking mandate. Sadly, a certain segment is totally unaware of the change because they simply didn't understand the announcement.

Next time a state gets uppity with language, please let it be one who's local linguistic liberties don't already qualify as a second language. Jesus!

The Crack Ho Next Door

I stay in South City. South City is a complex mix of cultures and economic status. We also boast the Missouri Botanical Garden, Gringo Jones and Tower Grove Park. I'm sure there's more......but who gives a shit about the Home Depot?

Anyhoo, in my special section of 'hood there is a phenomenon that I refer to as.......the Crack Ho next door. It's a unique take on fashion that is not entirely unique to St. Louis, but I swear this shit has been perfected here. I see Crack Ho fashion all over the place! From the raggedy hair that needed a retouch (see ethnic hair care/relaxer) 6 months ago to the tore up clothing and that unforgettable "hooker walk". Let me be clear, I do not think these folks are actually Crack Ho's nor am I convinced that they are on their way to Hoing by being major Crack fiends. Crack isn't even a St. Louis drug - we're meth people mostly (not I, of course, Mr. DEA Agent reading ABB's blog under the protection of the Department of Homeland Security ****nervous smile***).

Nope.....these people have adopted a fashion statement that screams my ass is po' and I don't give a fuck no mo'!!

How To Achieve The "Crack Ho" Look

  1. Wash...... but don't moisturize. Dry ashy cracked skin is a plus.
  2. Over pluck your eyebrows and do not, I repeat do not put any other make-up on! Exception - Vaseline on the lips applied liberally for special occasions like 4am beer drinking festivals or burn-the-neighbor's-house-down barbeques.
  3. Either don't do your hair or, if you do get it done, cover that shit up with a rag (preferably a scanky rag).
  4. Walk around all day and night in your raggedy assed houseshoes (non-Southerners see slippers).
  5. Talk loud and mad - shit, SHOUT everything and never pronounce anything right.
  6. Eat bad and drink cheap - discolored skin produced by chronic malnutrition highlights the ash and gives you that "to' up ho'" look.
  7. Have bad assed children - keep them dirty, illiterate and teach them to tear up other peoples shit.
  8. Litter. When you finish a bag of chips, throw that shit on the ground where you stand! A foul assed neighborhood is a Crack Ho' paradise!
  9. Perfect the art of walking....with....extreme....slowness... Where is your ass rushing to anyway? Put a scowl on your face, grab one of you dirty bad assed kids and roam bitch....roam!
  10. Don't work and don't move from your perch on the porch. Exceptions - trips to the corner store to buy lotto tickets and faux attempts to discipline your raggedy assed children when they attempt to set the rehab up the street on fire.

ABB is concerned that the rising property values in South City will drive the Crack Ho' fashionistas out! Who will break the beer bottles in front of my home? Who will produce tore up children to torture me with screaming and fighting in the street?

What will become of the Crack Ho' next door? I actually think I'll miss her.....but her evil assed pyromaniac children can get the fuck out!

Venus Envy

I've got to give a major shout-out to my sister Crystal who will be performing selections from The Vagina Monologues, this Friday April 15 at 9pm at Venus Envy 2005.

Work it girl! Work it!

Venus Envy 2005
April 15 and 16
7pm to Midnight
On Manchester at various locations
$5 to $10 donation at the door

Venus Envy is the ever expanding all female art extravaganza. It's also a party and a half.

My sis has stepped up to perform, continuing her yearly tradition of trying something new. She's been to the Canadian Arctic to hang with Polar Bears, relocated and changed careers and radically changed her hair. Now, for 2005, Crystal will embark upon her exploration of the performing arts and the craft of acting.
I love this shit!

A bitch has to admire someone willing to try new things and challenge herself.

ABB wants to congratulate Crystal and all the performers of Venus Envy 2005! I promise to bring hordes of fans and attendees, each fired up to get their Venus on!

Monday, April 11, 2005

Philosophicals

El Tigre
I'm happy for Tiger. He won his 4th Masters and it was all dramatic & tension ridden. He dedicated it to his father, who's sick. Being a twisted bitch, I was more interested in the appearance of his new wife. Tiger's wife is suspiciously pretty. You know what I mean. She's prettier than he would get if he were just your average large toothed big-eyed multi-racial dude at the bar. I mean, she's pretty enough to even overcome the painfully blond over-processed Nicole Brown Simpson hair! But Tiger is not all that cute. He's got a nice bod for a golfer, but those bubble eyes and huge teeth.......well.....it makes one wonder about the legitimacy of their relationship! Anyway, I watched the file footage of the couple walking into some awards show and was stunned by Mrs. Tigre's obvious boob implants. These were middle class fake boobs - you know where the doctor doesn't even try to make them look natural and the patient makes the "economy purchase" by going a size up from the recommended cup size......as if choosing fake boobs were just like shopping at Wal-Mart and a person would have to be crazy to pass up the economy size! Speaking of faux breasts.....

Silicone
Being a large chested woman, I have never understood why someone would want fake boobs. I'm serious. Real large boobs sag and they don't wait for your ass to hit 30 to start doing it either! Running hurts. Untucked shirts make motherfucker's ask you when the baby is due. I've always wanted to be a low C and shop for fashion bras rather than the industrial bolder holders I've been stuck with most of my life. Sigh......Now the FDA is considering bringing silicone breast implants back. These things ruptured internally oozing globs of destructive silicone into the patient's body cavity. Nasty! I'm vain as the next person, but surgical alterations should be.....well.... undetectable and safe?! Like getting your ears pierced. And I shouldn't know if you had a nose job. I should just notice that you've got a Liz Taylor nose! However, there is something Darwinian about it. Speaking of Darwin......

Panda Porn
The Panda's have successfully fucked. The freaks at the zoo apparently taped it. How can an Angry Black Bitch score some Panda Porn? Did these people ever wonder if the Panda's weren't fucking because 70 PhD's were watching and whispering? Talk about a mood killer! Congrats, my Pandiferic friends. May your Panda-child's life be filled with abundant bamboo and random incidents of public sex. Speaking of getting fucked in full view.....

DeLaying Gratification
Poor Tom DeLay. He's sooooo fucked! I must admit that I enjoyed watching him pull issues out of his Nixonian hat in a desperate attempt to distract the media from their feeding frenzy over his unethical behavior. I'll never forget Tom parading the "protection of life" issue around during the Schiavo case like a pimp on Broadway working his best Ho. Priceless! But the Dems need to time this shit perfectly. Don't feed upon him like a shark, rending flesh from his political limbs with such ferocity that the crowd actually begins to pity the victim. Let's take this fucker down slowly...... so that he feels every inch of that knife sliding ......slowly.......painfully......into his corrupt-assed unethical back.

Ahhhh! It's enough to make a bitch smile and mean it......

Friday, April 08, 2005

Last night I was so hoping for good television, which for me includes the proper mix off illicit sex and violent serial killers. But noooo! It was another 24-hour dead Pontiff festival. Even Bono got in on the action by waxing on and on about how cool the Pope was for wearing his tired assed sunglasses. Not being a Catholic or terribly religious, I decided to educate myself by viewing some films from the ABB filmographical library.

The Mission (2 Vodka Cocktails and several Cigs)
Bobby DeNiro and Jeremy Irons channel the spirit of God as Jesuits tramping around in South America trying to save noble natives from the greedy assed colonials. The Catholic Church comes off real bad in this film as they willingly turn a blind eye to the mass enslavement of native people in an effort to retain control (meaning money) over the rebellious colonial powers. The Jesuits come off real cool as they take up arms and defend the noble native people in a failed effort to keep The Mission from turning into a slave recruitment farm. Great music, beautiful scenery and Jeremy Irons plays some flute like thing in the forest.

Agnes of God (2 Vodka Cocktails and I matched Fonda Cig for Cig)
It doesn't get any better than this shit! Anne Bancroft goes toe to toe with the fantabulous Jane Fonda in this "real Catholics bleed from their palms" drama. Meg Tilly has great skin and milks a cow. Catholics come off as hard working hysterics who toil and pray and then the womens lock themselves in at night. The nunnery reminded me a wee bit of my freshman dorm complete with bitchy backstabbing bitches, cold assed snow covered windows and random sexual escapades that everyone denies in the morning. Anne is great and defiant, but she's unable to redeem the Church as everything goes to shit, Meg admits killing her baby and Jane forces her to spontaneously bleed. And what's with this bleeding shit, anyway? Freaky.

Elizabeth (Untold Vodka Cocktails and the rest of the fucking pack)
Sir John Gielgud as the Pope. What more can I say? These were some mean assed money hungry Catholics who conspired to kill Elizabeth 'cause she was going to take all their power away. My girl Cate Blanchett was denied an Oscar for this shit! Liz gets laid by her Boo, avoids getting poisoned by a dress, gets her hag on with what's his face who plays a cool Wiz-esque advisor, then she gets played by her man and sets about killing motherfuckers and cutting off all her hair. The final scene is an ode to drag with Liz in full makeup, a towering wig and one bad assed white jewel encrusted dress-like-thing! Am I drunk or is Elizabeth an undercover Sistah!?!

Angela's Ashes (3 glasses of water, 2 Sudafed, 3 Benadryl & 1 Claritin)
By now you've figured out that my ass is suffering from a bout of insomnia. At this point a bitch has to say Fuck It and dig in for the long hall. This movie is a true pisser. Why come home girl don't just tell her huuuusband NO, get off me motherfucker!! I don't want no more babies!! Angela is a breeding machine, her children are hungry and dirty and generally miserable. She's married to a complete loser - look up nightmare husband in the dictionary and you'll find his ass smiling back at you. Catholics come off as insane in this movie and not very family friendly, since they turn away this hungry mother and force her children to steal coal. Not the film to play during the membership drive, but this it is a 2-hour lesson in why we need birth control and family planning classes.

By now I'm buzzing and confused as hell as to why the media is jerking off the church when they seem to have a history of bad political policy, greed and family destruction. Not to mention the whole bleeding from the palms thing. I turn to CNN - it's Anderson Cooper!! Great hair. Ask the priest why they let those colonialists enslave the natives, Anderson! Ask him why come they keep those nuns locked up all day long? And what about the spontaneous palm bleeding? Fuck it, can one of you ass kissing motherfuckers bring up the whole legacy of rampant AIDS in Africa topic?

Shit.......A bitch is tired!

Lower volume. Sip water. Belch. Pass out.

Thursday, April 07, 2005

Ambush at the Walgreen's

My world is designed so I can purchase all my necessary items within a 5-mile radius. Last week I traveled up the street and around the block to "my Walgreen's" to make my monthly purchase of pharmaceuticals. After scoring some Sudafed (for non-Missourians, this is an ordeal because the Meth crisis has made buying Sudafed harder than scoring crack), I made my way to the pharmacy to buy .....well.....more drugs. I waited in line behind a large raggedy man of color who seemed generally agitated and anxious to make his purchase.

Of course, I began to wonder what he was so anxious to get. Was he out of Lithium? Did the next five minutes mean the difference between mental balance and a bi-polar incident? Should I leave and check out the cheap assed lipsticks just in case his ass trips out?

Then it happened. This nasty assed tore up uneven Afro having man turned around a tried to pick my ass up!

He had been looking around and must have picked me up in his peripheral vision. Turning fully around, he looked me up and down with blood shot eyes. Licked his dry assed cracked lips then opened up with "How are you doing?" Unable to escape, I answered with an uninspired "Fine." He went on..."Blah, blah, blah...I hate to wait in line....blah, blah, blah....where you stay at?"

What the fuck? Like I'm going to tell this freak where I live or even the vicinity of where I live. And why is it taking so fucking long for the pharmacy tech to bail me out of this shit??!

Wait. It gets better. His name is called and he says, "Hold on a minute." As if we were actually having a conversation! Turning to the slow assed pharmacy tech he gives his name "Clive or Cletus Threadgood" or something live that ....."No, I just want to pick up my".....drum roll PLEASE......."Cialis."

This nasty motherfucker was there to pick up a fucking erectile dysfunction med.!

Desperate, I pretend to pick up my cell phone and make a call while diverting my gaze. Thankfully, he makes his purchase and, looking back several times to size me up, leaves.

Children, this was an Ah-Ha moment. I now know that cell phones are the greatest invention made by man! But what about me made this man think he could pick me up.....at the fucking Walgreen's!! Jesus! Do I need to take it up a notch? Should I locate my fake wedding ring, which I usually reserve for traveling to New York or on subways? Desperate for clarification, I almost follow him out of the store to conduct an impromptu focus group of one! "Please tell me what about my ABB self made you approach me!"

This soon gave way to reality.....I mean I am sexy as hell......And I was wearing my sassy super satisfied because I scored the 96 count economy pack of Sudafed face......But, damn!

By the time I made it back to my car I had boiled the entire incident down to his sex drive being enhanced by Cialis. Ugghh! I made for the grocery store and shopped one handed, cell phone to my ear, just to be on the safe side......

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

Give Ann a Chance.....

Today I'm in a pissy mood. I'm clearly PMSing because my "friend" will arrive next week. But, fuck me if the morning news didn't push my hormonal ass over the edge......

After listening to 30 minutes of bullshit and more bullshit my ears pricked up at the mention of Ann Coulter being heckled at some lecture she was giving in Kansas. She made some evil assed comment that made the CNN sound-bite segment, which they rip off from Newsweek each week. Honestly, I'm surprised that Ann got dissed in Kansas. Those are her people, right? It got me thinking about how angry and bitter her pruned up ass is and wondering why she's still so pissed at the liberal left after her people have basically taken over the world. I've come up with one simple conclusion.......Ann Coulter needs to be loved. She's crying out for love!! Not sexual love (though I personally think she'd benefit greatly from a three octave achieving face-contorting screaming five minute orgasm) .....but real emotional love.

See, Ann Coulter has paid her dues. I hate her, but even I have to admit that her evil ass has done the Lord's work for the Republican Party. She's made herself the object of media scorn, published articles so plagued with inaccuracies that she's no longer considered intellectually relevant or sane and attacked liberals with the ferocious dedication of a starved dog. Doesn't she deserve love from her people? Yet, I never see her embraced by Republicans or even invited to sit next to them publicly. Shit, Mary Matlin is loved and gets invited to dinner and she married a fucking Democrat! Yet, Ann Coulter is still the last bitch picked for kickball. It's sad!

Why doesn't Ann Coulter have friends or a husband? She's frightfully thin and wears large freakishly symbolic crosses - doesn't that level of starvation and idol worship turn neo-cons on? Okay, she's not a natural blond and there have been several shocking incidents with tar black roots, but her hair is long and does detract from the general horseyness of her face. Neo-cons need to overlook the fact that she's a faux Aryan and give her a chance! Ann has great legs, if you like that boney blue-veined look. She's well educated on paper and, even though I suspect that she's forgotten almost everything she learned while kissing ass and making enemies at Cornell, she can carry on a conversation as long as it's about how liberals are ruining the world. Neo-con's love rehashing that tired assed shit, right?!?

It's time to find Ann Coulter some love! ABB believes that there is a friend for everyone. If Karen Hughes' rancid ass get's to dance at the barbecue then damnit Ann should too! Otherwise all this morally bankrupt selling of her soul to the devil and sexual repression will have been for naught. So, here goes nothing.....

Dear Conservative America,
Please pick Ann Coulter for the kickball team, invite her to dinner or marry her so she can shut her evil-assed sexually repressed "still bitter because no one wanted to sit next to her on the bus in high school" wanna be Aryan but most likely terrified that someone will find out that her maternal grandparents were "ethnic" .....Ivy League embarrassment ass up!

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

Royal Wedding

I've had enough of all this bullshit about Prince Charles and his bitch and their messed up wedding. This is the very topic that kicked this fucking blog off!!

I ain't mad at Charles for kickin it with Camilla. I don't understand that shit, but I ain't mad. Now, I do hold his big-eared ass responsible for having no spine 25 years ago when his Momma stepped all up in his business and told him he couldn't marry Camilla 'cause she got her freak on in the 70's. Which boggles the mind......I mean how many men could she have really taken down as ugly as she is.......Never mind - disturbing visual.

Anyhoo, now we've come full circle and once again Charles is fucking shit up and not taking charge. Camilla must really love his ass, because he would have been cussed out and kicked curbside by now with all this "reschedule for the Pope" and "no big assed royal wedding" and "you can't be Queen" bullshit. Oh no he didn't! Camilla needs to discipline and whoop some royal ass......

If Camilla where an Angry Black Bitch she might handle her shit like this........

Camilla to Charles later on this evening "Darling, all I can say is what the fuck? For the life of me I don't understand why we don't just go to Vegas and tell your Mum to step the fuck off?"

Charles, looking peevish "Now Tampon, you know that I'm in a spot. I agree that Vegas would be off the chain, but really Snookums, Mummy would break out in hives! I can't take all this drama!!"

Camilla to Charles (visualize neck jerking) "You know what? Fuck this shit! You need to come correct and pull your ass together 'cause a Sistah can only take so much bullshit before she snaps and kills a motherfucker! Your Momma? Why don't you marry her ass then? Huh? Asshole! Book that shit for Vegas or I'm out. Do you understand me, b'Atch?" .....walks off muttering about bitches-in-law.....

MmmmHmmm. Camilla needs to embrace her inner ghetto!

Monday, April 04, 2005

It's Back.........

Eyes gritty from a weekend of Spring-cleaning and debauchery, I woke up this morning bitter about the time change (who thought of this evil shit?) and generally tired as hell. Prepared coffee. Fixed the perfect cup. Flip to NBC and OOOOOOOHHHHHHH NOOOOOOOOO! It's back!

Return of the Killer Katie Monster
Run for your lives children, Katie is back from vacation!!!! And, let me tell you she's saved up two weeks full of giggly ass kissing banter just for you! Shall we begin?

Quick Re-cap...
Her face is still unable to form emotional expressions, she's fried her hair in a sad attempt to generate highlights and she all but jumped Jack Welch (former boss) during her interview this morning.

The face
Katie is one microdermabrasion treatment away from achieving that overly shiny texture less resurfaced kinda skin that I associate with 97 year old Manhattan socialites and Joan Rivers (yeah, yeah, yeah - what's the difference?). I watched in fascinated horror as Katie attempted to show happiness or furrow her brow in serious contemplation all to no avail. Shocked and saddened, I turned my face away in horror only to be drawn back to the screen just to make sure my eyes didn't deceive me! And that's when I noticed.......

The hair
A good friend of mine who is a hair dresser/hair artist/Aveda goddess told me that she heard from a friend in NYC who used to work with this girl who was friends with this other girl who she went to beauty school with who's former roommate used to be an Assistant at The Today Show, that Katie colors her own hair! So, it must be true!! This all came up because I asked her for her professional opinion of Katie's highlights. See, sometimes Katie's hair looks.....well.....nappy? Yes, nappy is the only proper word to describe it. Basically, her shit looks like she needs a re-touch (non-Sistahs please reference "Relaxer" under Black Hair Care) and I have always been convinced that her need to be blond (as if I didn't know her when she was a bobbed off Brunette with no upper lip, right?!?) has resulted in the systematic frying of her hair. This was confirmed by the friend of a friend of a friend, with the added bonus info. that Katie has done that shit to herself! Un....be..lievable! I should have know that no one would risk their license on that bitches tresses......... But, does she have no friends? Someone needs to intervene and save her before it starts to break off! Stop......rewind.......Katie shedding her hair might just be a fun summer viewing experience! With an evil smirk at the thought of Katie's shedding hairline and resulting weave I tune in for.......

The Interview
Miss Thang to Welch "Before we discuss your self important book, which we are discussing only because you've got our show by the balls due to your massive percent of stock ownership at G.E., please share your thoughts on the Pope and why he was such a great leader? As you know, NBC has been wall-to-wall "Pontiff Death Watch" and we plan to ride this media pony well into next weekend. Jack, please add your insincere platitudes to the pile we're steadily building!

Welch to Katie "God, you are annoying. Yeah, what the fuck, the Pope was cool and he held his shit down even through that sex abuse shit and the rampant spread of AIDS in Africa, which resulted from his outdated policy on contraception. So, okay he was a good leader because he shut down the critics even after he lost the power of speech." "Jesus, can I get a real question already???" "Do you have any fucking idea how early it is, you vampiric bitch?"

Miss Thang to Tyrannical former CEO "Tell me about your book which was ghost written by your much younger wife who's ass I plan to kiss tomorrow in an interview I resent having to do because she's.....well.....your wife is young and smart and got to you before I could catch you in my tangled web of giggly insecure man-hungry......sorry, I don't know what got into me..... Oh, yes the book which adds nothing to the dialogue on leadership in business but which we are discussing because you've got our network by the balls."

Jack "Basically, we pieced this bullshit together from a bunch of info. we picked up while touring the country earning too much money for rambling speeches that I never took the time to prepare for but charged $175 a ticket for because I'm a money hungry greed-whore otherwise known as a CEO."

Miss Thang in textbook ass-kissing mode "Jack, you are so great. Would you like another slow pitch question or have I kissed that ass enough? Did I mention that you.....are.....GREAT!!??

Angry Black Bitch at 8am this morning with sick devious smile and bloodshot eyes.........Finish second cup of coffee, question the justice of daylight savings time again and thank the blogger gods for Katie, The Today Show, Pontifical deathwatches and ratings whores in general!

Friday, April 01, 2005

Freaks, carnivores and bitches.....

Why come people have to front on who they really are? If you a freak.....BE A FREAK!

Shit Angry Black Bitch Don't Front On

Being a Freak
I am a freak. So what? By "freak" I mean truly freaky, unashamed of it and freaky about a multitude of things. I am sorry that I live in a time when most people are repressed and women still publicly claim not to masturbate well into their 30's (Girl, Pleeeaaase ***visualize neck jerk***!). People, this city would be a lot more fun if some of y'all would just get off! With chocolate sauce, a banana, some handcuffs and a selection of good porn. But if that's not your cup of tea, DON'T FUCKING DO IT! Just keep your sexually unsatisfied missionary-position-once-a-year ass away from my fun. And toys. And sex shops conveniently located right off the highway.

Being a Carnivore
I adore red meat. Sorry my vegan friends, but I do love it! I know that it's probably pumped full of hormones and that some poor creature most likely died a suffering death after a lifetime spent in a cage....but I love a good steak cooked just on the edge of bloody. Now, I respect the average political vegan/vegetarian who turns up their nose at my attack on their bovine brethren. Just as long as they know I will beat that ass if it comes between me and my food. But what really annoys me are the assholes...you know the ones, who gave up steak after a full year on Atkins, but want to whine at me about how bad it is for me to still be eating it. Listen - if you did Atkins for a year you took down more beef than my ass will probably eat in a lifetime. Back off my food and try to remember that steak is just one on a long and distinguished list of toxins and pharmaceuticals that I have ingested in my lifetime.

Embracing My Inner Bitch
I am a bitch. I love my fellow bitches. If every now and then you look at someone who is trying to sound interesting and all you can think about is how much you'd just looooove to around-the-world pimp slap their ass......you may be a bitch. If you have to resist the urge to stir up drama and that resistance takes you to the point of physical pain......you may be a bitch. But if you have ever taken a fly outfit from the rack, knew you look-ed good, then took all the other sizes and hid them in the back of the store under some ugly assed sweaters so you wouldn't "see some other bitch up in the spot with this fly ass shit on"....welcome to the club my sistah!

Have a wonderful weekend, get your freak on, eat your ass a steak, and embrace your inner bitch!