Friday, June 10, 2005

In Defense of the Shark...

A bitch is feeling very bitchy this morning. My blog-mentor, Rob Thurman, beat my ass to the shark attack story that aired on the Today Show this morning.

Damn, that child is fast!

But he encouraged me, as a good mentor should, to proceed with my rant on the complete bullshit that is the anti-shark movement.

Do ya’ll remember the Year of the Shark? That media frenzy that surrounded a few shark attacks a few years back? All everyone could talk about was whether it was safe to swim in the ocean and why are those sharks biting everyone. A bitch wasn’t a "blog" back then, so all my venom was voiced in loud screaming sessions toward the telly!

But now my ass has a forum...

The Bitch is a Shark and the Shark is a Bitch

When I was a wee bitch in training I acquired the nickname Sharkie. My mouth was overcrowded and my permanent teeth began to come in behind the baby teeth. This multiple row thang was noticed by a complete asshole that rode the bus with me to school. Rather than just tease me about my blackness, he now began to tease me about my blackness and my teeth. A bitch was disturbed and I informed my mother that I couldn’t take this shit anymore and would not ride the bus every again! My mother’s response was something like…

“Get a fucking grip! You need to learn how to live this life black, girl! And your mouth is going to be your mouth! Stop letting some shit on the bus get to you. If that asshole calls you a shark then be a shark. Claim that shit! And stop crying before I give you something to cry about!”

After I recovered from my mother’s tirade, I decided that she was right. Gonna make fun of my blackness? Fine motherfucker! Shit…I am black! Proud of it, motherfucker! I look in the mirror and say damn, a bitch sho' is fine! I look fucking fantastic like this!

And an AngryBlackBitch was born…

Wanna make fun of my teeth? Watch your back, motherfucker, ‘cause a bitch bites! Aint no shame in my grill, either! I can fix my teeth, but he's going to be a fucking ass for life!

And The Shark was given life…

Over the years, my nickname has evolved into Sharkie, The Shark, da Shark and Shark-fu. When I sold media, I was a sales shark. Basically, I am a killer. It’s true!

I also adore sharks. I love their efficiency! They are beyond bullshit. And they don't deserve to be trashed by the media for doing what they do in their fucking territory!

ABB’s Defense of the Shark

What the fuck? That little shit got what was coming to him! He didn’t even know a shark bit him until his Momma sent a fucking picture of the wound to an expert. And who the fuck takes pictures of oozing wounds and sends them out for verification? What’s wrong with these people?

This ‘lilshit actually plans to go back out there. His mother approves! A bitch thinks this is Darwinian. Splashing around like dinner increases your chances of being eaten, you dumb ass! So fuck this story and fuck the media for blowing it out of proportion. Isn’t it enough that we pollute the water with refuse? Do we now have to pollute it with stupid people too? Better yet, they should jump the fuck it! This could turn out to be a good thing...

The ocean is not a playground. Things live there! It’s their fucking home!

The shark belonged there.

‘Lilshit didn’t.

This rant has been brought to you by the one and only AngryBlackBitch aka Shark-Fu!

11 comments:

dmfinny said...

I've finally figured out why prositution will never be legal in the U.S. It's because it would be too difficult to distinguish between selling pussy, selling ass, and selling your soul, and the value of each for appropriate taxation.

A Today show sticker on the bottom of his cast? WTF?

Bite on, fellow bitch!

CrankyProf said...

The local snooze was wall-to-wall "SHARK ATTACK!" last night in the Philly Metro/Jersey Shore area, too.

As if a shark wouldn't bite a Shore denizen and then spit that shit back out, 'cause it tasted nasty.

Be proud of your sharkhood, woman!

(And get yourself some shark sheets. The Company Store sells 'em.)

disgruntled said...

Now I understand the name. Thanks for the history lesson, news review, and chuckle.

Oh yeah, you know what stopped the Year of the Shark? 9-11...

After that, nobody gave a damn about someone getting their ass munched off.

There was a better story to be milked.

Nemebabe said...

Heh...that was awesome.

I came today looking for a good old fashioned political rant, a peek into your minds eye regarding some social issue or another...

I got sharks. I love sharks!! I also love it when people get their asses torn up by one thing or another, and cannot figure out why. "Your honor - I don't know why my child was climbing the fence into the next door neighbor's yard, we all know they have a big dog who doesn't like strangers...but I really think it is totally the neighbors fault that the dog bit him/her" Shit like that.

I am surprised these same people don't try to get a lawyer to sue the sharks.

:)

boadwee blog said...

angry black bitch,

i LOVE your blog! i'm going to link you to mine. and if you like mine, please return the favour. you are fierce!

www.keithboadwee.blogspot.com

Jeff said...

For the same reason, when I hear about an elephant stampeding and trampling its (most likely abusive) trainer, I give a little cheer for the elephant.

Mighty MaMa said...

OUCHEEEEE.

fahren said...

I always root the the animal. Ever watch "When Animals Attack?" Well I'd attack too if you presented yourself as food or for mating. And the crazy person always says they're going back in. Go head fool, you'll run out limbs first.

Jenna said...

I will never forget how bad Jaws scared me as a kid, I live in the midwest and I am still leary of dangling my toes in the big 'pond'!

It's Me, Maven... said...

I just don't understand this whole media frenzy about shark attacks. I mean, hey, when out in nature, you're out in nature, whether it be on an African safari or swimming in the ocean. There is no such thing as a reasonable level of safety. It's all presumed risk. Much like eating McDonalds, or smoking, or indulging in unprotected sex. Mother Nature's Quid Pro Quo... every cause there's an effect!

I love the analogy about prostitution and selling one's soul. I am not sure how the Oldest Profession continues in Vegas, but it does. Not sure... maybe they just streamline the whole process and tax by the inch?

Regarding 9/11 being milked. Holy shit, is that ever true! It's become the r'aison d'etre for Dubya and the War Machine, as well as every other action which goes against the US Constitution. Moo-Moo-Scooter... milk that thang to death!!!

CEE said...

ABB, love your rants, cants, jeremiads and musings. A bitch is beautiful.